Query Critique Day: The Labyrinth of Middle Realm
♥ Time for some community feedback! ♥
Jo Hart was the lucky first “winner” from March’s Query Day, and so her shiny, revised query is now ready for some group feedback!
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
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THE LABYRINTH OF MIDDLE REALM is a 62,000 word young adult fantasy.
While trying to choose a fantasy novel from her bookshelf one day during the summer holidays, fourteen-year-old Katie is thrust into a realm just like the fantasy worlds of the novels she loves. She soon realises there’s nothing magical about hiking through thick forests without food, battling dark beasts with a taste for human flesh or facing off against soldiers of a tyrannical sorceress (with a weapon she barely knows how to use). In fact, it’s downright scary.
When she finds out she has been called to Middle Realm by angels to help save those oppressed by the sorceress, Katie is sure some mistake has been made. She is definitely NOT saviour material. Torn between wanting to help and wanting to go home, she seeks the reclusive wizard of Middle Realm—the only person who can either unlock the powers needed to fight the sorceress or send her home again.
However, for Katie to reach the wizard, she learns she must first brave the labyrinth—a maze where dragon-like creatures wait to attack, strange mists create feelings of despair and even the plants want to kill her. With the fate of those oppressed by the sorceress resting in her hands and her desire to go home driving her, Katie must survive the labyrinth long enough to fulfill a destiny she isn’t even sure she wants to fulfill.
I have two short stories due for publication this year: ‘Angel Blood’ (The Australian Literature Anthology, April 2011) and ‘A Penny for a Wish’ (100 Stories for Queensland Anthology, March 2011). As part of my Bachelor of Education, I studied a major in Writing. I am an active participant in writing critique groups and blog regularly on the craft of writing.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Let Jo know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please! And please look out for one more community post later this month. If you’re interested in partaking in Query Day, then get ready. Submissions will go live April 4.
March 16, 2011 @ 9:55 am
First, and I know you’ve probably already thought about this, but I think you should change “Middle Realm.” Unless there’s some VERY plot related reason to call it “Middle Realm,”–which should then be apparent in the query–any readers are gonna immediately connect it with LotR and all the expectations that go along with it.
Which is NOT how your book sounds–in fact, it comes across as very different and a breath of fresh air in the high fantasy YA genre. I LOVE the idea of a heroine who doesn’t even know which end of the weapon to hold, and ever since I saw the David Bowie movie, labyrinth’s are pretty much the epitome of awesome to me.
Second, here are some nitpickier fixes. (Wording changes IN CAPS. My comments [in brackets].)
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While trying to choose a fantasy novel from her bookshelf [cut: one day during the summer holidays], fourteen-year-old Katie is thrust into a realm just like the fantasy worlds of the novels she loves. [I’m finding some of the wording repetitive.] [Cut: She soon realises] EXCEPT there’s nothing magical about hiking through thick forests without food, battling dark beasts with a taste for human flesh[, <– serial commas are your friend, promise] or facing off against soldiers of a tyrannical sorceress (with a weapon she barely knows how to use). In fact, it’s downright scary.
When she finds out she has been called to Middle Realm by angels to help save those oppressed by the sorceress, Katie is sure IT'S A MISTAKE [Cut: some mistake has been made]. She is [Cut: definitely] NOT saviour material. Torn between wanting to help and wanting to go home, she seeks the reclusive wizard of Middle Realm—the only person who can either unlock the powers needed to fight the sorceress or send her home again. [Again, semi-repetitive phrasing is a little distracting–"send her home" here. I dunno how else you'd put it, though…]
However, for Katie to reach the wizard, she [cut: learns she] must first brave the labyrinth—a maze where dragon-like creatures [cut: wait to] attack [<–stronger verb you can use here?], strange mists create [<– stronger verb?] feelings of despair[, <– serial commas are SO AWESOME ;)] and even the plants want to kill her. [Cut: With the fate of those oppressed by the sorceress resting in her hands and her desire to go home driving her,] AND IF SHE EVEN SURVIVES, SHE MUST DECIDE WHETHER TO [cut: Katie must survive the labyrinth long enough to] fulfill a destiny she isn’t even sure she wants to fulfill.
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I didn't really have any problems understanding the plot. Might even pick it up. But a 14-year-old protag is a bit young (I KNOW, it's a silly age delineation, but it still exists), so you might consider if it counts as YA or MG. I don't see much in the way of romance, so right now I'm thinking it leans toward MG, but I'm not exactly an expert in telling the difference since I don't read much MG.
March 16, 2011 @ 9:55 am
By “pick it up” I meant this is a book I would probably buy.
March 16, 2011 @ 10:23 pm
Wow! Thank you for the really in-depth critique! YOU ROCK, KAT!
March 16, 2011 @ 11:53 pm
Thanks so much for the in-depth critique, Kat! Great suggestions for tightening.
You know I have thought about the title a lot, it’s been commented on by a few other people as being too similar to Middle Earth, but I haven’t been able to think of another name to use that works as well as Middle Realm (which is basically a realm between worlds)- I even scoured the thesaurus for another word to no avail.
I’ve teetered back and forth between MG and YA on this story. It started YA with Katie aged 15, then I decided it was more MG so I brought her age back to 13. When I submitted my query for a competition that only accepted YA, I bumped her age back up a year and called it YA again. I think you’re right though, I need to change it back to MG. There’s only a touch of romance, and it’s really no more than a crush.
March 17, 2011 @ 9:31 am
How about the Between Realm? Or the In-Between? The Halfway?
I dunno. I fail. I figured you’d thought about it, but just something to keep in mind if a particularly good idea ever strikes you!
March 17, 2011 @ 10:39 pm
Thanks Kat! I’ll keep thinking about it.
March 16, 2011 @ 10:16 am
Wow, Kat did a pretty thorough job! It’s amazing how much tighter something can read just by taking out a word or two. I just wanted to say that your story sounds fabulous! I think Katie’s voice really shines through in this query, and I am a sucker for ‘ordinary people’ been thrown into a whole new world (literally). I also wonder about the age though, and if this isn’t bordering more on MG? Great job over all though!
March 16, 2011 @ 10:29 pm
Thanks so much for your feedback, Laura!! <3
March 16, 2011 @ 11:56 pm
Thanks so much, Laura! I’m glad the voice is shining through, I’m always worried I’m not getting the voice across in my query. You’re right about the age, it should be MG.
March 16, 2011 @ 3:12 pm
I think Kat’s critique covers everything pretty well. A little tightening and this will be stellar. I’m going to echo the idea of it edging toward MG though. The storyline seems like it’d make for an excellent MG adventure. 🙂
And the story sounds awesome…definitely something I’d read.
March 16, 2011 @ 10:29 pm
Thank you, thank you, HOLLY!!! 😀
March 16, 2011 @ 11:59 pm
Thank you, Holly! I’ll definitely change it to MG. I’m happy the story is coming across so well. 🙂
March 17, 2011 @ 4:14 pm
Nice query, and I think Kat did an excellent job at tightening it up a bit. I think this looks like a great MG adventure. I also think that Middle Realm should be changed, for a couple of reasons: it just doesn’t flow well, and maybe something like “In-Between” or “The Halfway” (again great suggestions Kat) would be more relatable to an MG reader.
Good luck querying Jo!
March 17, 2011 @ 8:16 pm
Thanks for stopping by and offering your thoughts, Michaele!! Much appreciated! 🙂
March 18, 2011 @ 3:06 am
Thanks so much, Michaele! I’ll keep thinking about a new title.