For this guest post, I had no idea what to write about…so Nicole suggested I write what I know. Sadly, I don’t know much. My education is so absurdly specific, that it literally has no universal appeal.
Don’t believe me?
Um, okay. Here are the two things I am well-versed in: fish and writing.
Oh, you say, but those two things are so different. Surely that makes for an interesting tale.
No, it doesn’t. They are merely two very separate things I have done in my life. Like, if we made a Venn Diagram, it’d look like this:
Since neither of these subjects are of any interest to the average person (trust me: I have seen more glazed-over eyes than you can even conceive of), I thought I’d talk about something I don’ t know much about at all…
And that is: the zombie apocalypse.
I KNOW—you did not see that topic coming, did you? Well, my friend, you should learn to think faster because otherwise, you’re gonna be zombie food.
Admittedly, I don’t know much about surviving the zombie apocalypse… yet, but I WILL know (when it hits, of course). I’m gathering supplies on a regular basis. My pantry looks something like this:
And my attic:
And my poor husband isn’t allowed to throw out any nonperishable foods…
“NO!” I cry. “We will need that three-year-old single piece of uncooked lasagna when the zombies come!”
Needless to say, he doesn’t understand. But you see, he hasn’t obsessively read books like Max Brooks’s World War Z, Ilsa Bick’s Ashes, Carrie Ryan’s Forest of Hands and Teeth. Nor does he stay up late watching The Walking Dead or I Am Legend…or playing far too many hours of Resident Evil.
My point is, I think I actually might know what I’m talking about (kinda? sorta?). And as such, I’ve come up with 5 things the world will need when the zombie virus hits.*
*Note: not all of these items have been invented yet. I AM SO GONNA MAKE THEM. And then we can add a third, unrelated circle to the Venn Diagram: INVENTOR.
5 INDISPENSABLE LIFE-SAVING GADGETS FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE:
- An axe with water purification handle: One end is for ZOMBIE DEATH (the sharp end) while the other end lets you make that foul sewage safe for afternoon tea.
- Zombie-seeking, night-vision goggles: Don’t let darkness creep up on you! Keep these goggles on, and you’ll be safe the whole night through. (Laser beam add-on not included.)
- L’eau des Morts: Gotta make a quick trip outside? A spritz of this perfume, and you’ll be masked from zombie senses…just make sure you’re back to a fortified location within ten minutes.
- Screamers: Need a distraction? Gotta make a run for it? Throw one of these fist-sized alarms (complete with delayed detonation!), and you’ll have every zombie in a quarter-mile radius shuffling full-speed to the sound.
- Really, really, really good sneakers: Look, you’re probably gonna be running–like, a lot. The worst thing you could do is injure your knee or develop shin-splints due to poor arch support or low quality tread. Invest in some good sneakers, and those rotting piles of corpse won’t stand a chance.
So what about you?
What do you have prepared for the zombie apocalypse? And, what are your favorite zombie books/movies/games? (It’s for research, people, research.)