Query Critique Day: Playing God
♥ Time for some community feedback! ♥
Taryn Albright was the lucky “winner” from April’s Query Day, and so her shiny, revised query is now ready for some group feedback!
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
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Dear Awesome Agent,
When humanity learns its writers can create, or “Animate,” their own worlds, people have the final nail in the coffin of religion. God is now dead, but not everyone is happy about that.
For most of her life, sixteen-year-old Kalyn has had one goal: become the thirteenth Animator, one of the revered people who can Animate their written works. When her brother gets that distinction first, she finds herself breaking away from the conventional aversion to religion and instead befriending a girl who has religious sympathies.
As Kalyn wonders if religion is less dangerous than the government insists, she stumbles across an old abandoned chapel which leads to a series of clues. She’s on the trail of something that could break open the government’s lock of religion and maybe even prove Animation is an elaborate hoax. But three powerful factions have interests in keeping that hoax alive, and Kalyn is presented with bribes, decisions, and danger as she forges toward a truth that just may destroy the only goal she’s ever had.
PLAYING GOD, my YA dystopia, is complete at 75,000 words. Per your agency guidelines, the first NUMBER pages are pasted below. I would be glad to send you the manuscript upon request.
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Let Taryn know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please!
AND…if you’re interested in partaking in the next Query Day, then GET READY. Submissions will go live NEXT MONDAY (May 2) at 5:00 PM EST, and submissions will close after I’ve received 10 queries. ♥
April 29, 2011 @ 9:15 am
Isn’t that long for Ya? Also, I think if I were her, I’d drop everything in the last paragraph after 75,000 words. Drop down one line and add
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Then her contact information
April 29, 2011 @ 9:30 am
YA is good so long as it’s below 90K–though even that’s changing these days. MG needs to be below 50K, but 75K for YA is totally fine–especially for any sort of spec fic. 🙂
Thanks for the suggestion on tightening the end!!
April 29, 2011 @ 2:09 pm
Wow, this query sounds great! I get a real sense of plot, tension and motivation. My only nitpicky thing is with the first paragraph (the hook, I guess). It might just be me, but found that I stumbled over the wording. I think it is the use of both ‘humanity’ and ‘people’. I think I would change it to say:
When humanity learns its writers can create, or “Animate,” their own worlds, it’s the final nail in the coffin of religion.
Good luck!! 🙂
April 29, 2011 @ 3:09 pm
Good idea about the opening line, Laura! Thanks for the feedback!
April 29, 2011 @ 3:07 pm
This is a compelling query. My comments are little tiny edits, in brackets. As with any comments, take with a liberal pinch of salt. :0)
[Totally agree with the above poster: When humanity learns its writers can create, or “Animate,” their own worlds, it’s the final nail in the coffin of religion.] God is now dead, but not everyone is happy [remove: about that].
For most of her life, sixteen-year-old Kalyn has had one goal: become the thirteenth Animator, one of the revered people who can Animate their written works[I can be a little slow sometimes. Do you mean Animate any written work and create a new world? Maybe it’s not important to hammer it all down in this context, I’m just a little fuzzy here.]. When her brother gets that distinction first, she finds herself breaking away from the conventional aversion to religion and instead befriending a girl who has religious sympathies.[great]
As Kalyn wonders if religion is less dangerous than the government insists, she stumbles across an [remove old, repetitive] abandoned chapel which leads to a series of clues. She’s on the trail of something that could break open the government’s lock [of when I read lock of, I think–hair–. lock “on” religion?] on religion and [ remove:maybe even] prove Animation is an elaborate hoax. But three powerful factions have interests in keeping that hoax alive, and Kalyn is presented with bribes, decisions, and danger [a little vague] as she forges toward a truth that [remove just] may destroy the only goal she’s ever had. [rewording may be needed, because I got the impression she’d given up on the dream of becoming an Animator early on? Would it be more accurate to say ‘may destroy the only society she’s ever known?’]
PLAYING GOD, my YA dystopia, is complete at 75,000 words. Per your agency guidelines, the first NUMBER pages are pasted below. I would be glad to send you the manuscript upon request.
Overall I would say– WOW! cool premise/concept and well-written query!
April 29, 2011 @ 3:09 pm
Wow, thanks for the in-depth crit, Katharine!! Much appreciated! <3
April 29, 2011 @ 3:13 pm
@JAustenWannabe 75K is actually a little on the short side. With revisions, It’ll probably end up at 80-85K.
@Laura Thanks 🙂 Susan is a query genius!
April 29, 2011 @ 3:16 pm
Aw shucks. I think I kinda like being called a query genius–thanks, Taryn. I’m so glad I could help! 😉
April 29, 2011 @ 7:04 pm
My comments are in parentheses. The premise of this book is awesome!!! I’ve never heard anything even remotely like it. Good job with that. I hope I get to read it someday. I love Dystopian.
Dear Awesome Agent,
When humanity learns its writers can create(Nix create. Sick with animate), or “Animate,” their own worlds, people have the final nail in the coffin of religion. God is now dead, but not everyone is happy about that.(Keep the suggested first sentence as above just using the word ‘animate’. It will now read: When humanity learns its writers can “Animate” their own worlds, it’s the final nail in the coffin of religion.)
For most of her life, sixteen-year-old Kalyn has had one goal: become the thirteenth Animator,(What’s so great about the 13th animator? Is it special somehow?) one of the revered people who can Animate their written works. When her brother gets that distinction first, she finds herself breaking away from the conventional(Nix ‘conventional’.) aversion to religion and instead befriending a girl who has(Nix ‘who has’ use ‘with’) religious sympathies.(Is there a consequence to this that might be important enough to mention?)
As Kalyn wonders if religion is less dangerous than the government insists, she stumbles across an old abandoned chapel which leads to a series of clues.(Wondering isn’t a very strong verb. What about something like, On a mission to determine the true danger of religion, she stumbles upon an abandoned chapel and clues that could expose the lies they’ve been told for years about religion {or faith– Use whichever term you’d like). Oh yeah, and while she’s at it, she may reveal the elaborate hoax behind Animation, too.) She’s on the trail of something that could break open the government’s lock of religion and maybe even prove Animation is an elaborate hoax. But three powerful factions (Three factions? What do you mean by this? Be specific here.) have interests in keeping that hoax alive, and Kalyn is presented with bribes, decisions, and danger as she(This part of the sentence is weak. Why not just Kalyn forges…) forges toward a truth that just may destroy the only goal she’s ever had.(I thought that goal had already been destroyed when her brother was chosen as the 13th animator. Which goal is this? Does she have to go against family too? I want to know what role the brother plays in all this. If he’s important to mention in the beginning, he must be a big player in the story.)
PLAYING GOD, my YA dystopia, is complete at 75,000 words. Per your agency guidelines, the first NUMBER pages are pasted below. I would be glad to send you the manuscript upon request. ( Nix previous sentence. “The full manuscript is available upon request.”)
April 29, 2011 @ 7:24 pm
Many thanks for all the feedback, Jessie!
April 29, 2011 @ 9:19 pm
This sounds like a fantastic story. I’d definitely read it! (I mean, I kind of wish it were published so I could…) My critique is below, in caps.
When humanity learns its writers can create, or “Animate,” their own worlds, people have the final nail in the coffin of religion. God is now dead, but not everyone is happy about that.//I ALSO STUMBLED ON THIS A BIT. IT ALSO SEEMS A BIT LIKE BACKSTORY. IT MIGHT BE STRONGER TO START WITH THE FIRST SENTENCE IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, WHEN WE GET CHARACTER AND SOME INFO ABOUT YOUR WORLD. THE DETAILS ABOVE COULD JUST BE WOVEN INTO WHAT FOLLOWS.//
For most of her life, sixteen-year-old Kalyn has had one goal: TO become the thirteenth Animator, one of the revered people who can Animate//IS THE A CAPITALIZED FOR A REASON? IF IT’S IN YOUR STORY, THAT’S COOL. JUST CHECKING. ALSO, IS THERE A DIFFERENT VERB TO DESCRIBE WHAT THEY DO? WE GET THE IDEA OF ANIMATOR FROM THE NAME, SO INSTEAD OF REPEATING IT HERE YOU COULD USE THE OPPORTUNITY TO, BRIEFLY, EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANS. BRING TO LIFE? ETC…// their//AND HERE I CAN’T TELL IF THEY’RE BRINGING TO LIFE ONLY THEIR OWN WORKS OR IF THEIR MEANS “THE WORLD” AND THEY CAN BRING ALL WORKS TO LIFE.// written works. When her brother gets that distinction first, she finds herself breaking away//I THINK THIS COULD BE STRONGER: SHE BREAKS FROM THE…// from the conventional aversion to religion and instead befriending//BEFRIENDS// a girl who has//WITH// religious sympathies.
As Kalyn wonders if religion is less dangerous//WONDERS…DANGEROUS DOESN’T SOUND VERY ACTIVE. CAN YOU CHANGE OR CUT AND COMBINE WITH NEXT SENTENCE SO SHE’S FINDING THE CHAPEL WITH CLUES THAT PUT HER ON THE TRAIL OF SOMETHING THAT COULD PROVE RELIGION ISN’T DANGEROUS AND ANIMATION IS A HOAX.// than the government insists, she stumbles across an old//CUT OLD SINCE ABANDONED IMPLIES IT// abandoned chapel which//THAT// leads to a series of clues. She’s on the trail of something that could break open the government’s lock of//ON?// religion and maybe even prove Animation is an elaborate hoax. But three powerful factions//OF THE GOVERMENT? OR ARE THEY LIKE THUGS?// have interests in keeping that hoax alive, and Kalyn is presented with bribes, decisions, and danger//I THINK YOU COULD BE MORE SPECIFIC HERE.// as she forges toward a truth that just//CUT JUST// may destroy the only goal she’s ever had.//BUT I THOUGHT SHE COULDN’T BE AN ANIMATOR ANYMORE… AND, BESIDES, SHE BROKE FROM THINKING RELIGION IS BAD. DOES THE TRUTH THREATEN FRIENDSHIPS? LOVE? FAMILY? ETC…//
PLAYING GOD, my YA dystopia, is complete at 75,000 words. Per your agency guidelines, the first NUMBER pages are pasted below. I would be glad to send you the manuscript upon request.
April 29, 2011 @ 10:47 pm
Great critique–thanks so much, Tracey!!
April 30, 2011 @ 6:43 am
Tracey, Katharine, and Jessie: thanks so much! *off to play with it*
April 30, 2011 @ 8:18 pm
So I like to inline-edit, and my comments are in [square brackets]. 😀
When humanity learns its writers can create, or “Animate,” [not sure you need the quotation marks] their own worlds, people have the final nail in the coffin of religion.[“…people have the final nail in the coffin of religion”? were there other nails before that?] God is now dead, but not everyone is happy about that.[of COURSE not everyone’s happy about that. Maybe kill the “but”?]
For most of her life, sixteen-year-old Kalyn has had one goal: become the thirteenth Animator, one of the revered people who can Animate their written works. When her brother gets that distinction first, she finds herself [I’ve heard agents say that “find herself” isn’t a good verb phrase to use. ‘Cause, like, she’s doing it consciously, right?] breaking away from the conventional aversion to religion and instead[kill the instead, it’s redundant] befriending a girl who has religious sympathies.
As Kalyn wonders if religion is less dangerous than the government insists, she stumbles across an old abandoned chapel which leads to a series of clues. She’s on the trail of something that could break open the government’s lock of religion and maybe even prove Animation is an elaborate hoax. But three powerful factions [factions immediately brings to mind DIVERGENT… use a different noun?] have interests in keeping that hoax alive, and Kalyn is presented with bribes, decisions, and danger as she forges toward a truth that just may destroy the only goal she’s ever had.
PLAYING GOD, my YA dystopia[n], is complete at 75,000 words. Per your agency guidelines, the first NUMBER pages are pasted below. I would be glad to send you the manuscript upon request.[kill that last line and start a new paragraph with “Thank you for your time and attention”, like the first commenter said]
GREAT premise! Maybe a little more voice, though? (I know that’s easier said than done :P) Because there’s so much plot and conflict, it’s hard to know what kind of person Kalyn is like.
May 2, 2011 @ 9:07 am
Thank you thank you, Yahong!!