Query Critique Day: Stormland
♥ Time for some community feedback! ♥
It’s that time again!!
For June’s Query Day, we have our first lucky “winner”, Sharon Bayliss. Her shiny, revised query is now ready for some group feedback!
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
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Dear Ms. Agent,
I’ve read in interviews that you enjoy fantasy set in a world similar to our own, so I believe you will enjoy my 70,000 word fantasy, STORMLAND.
The sky looked black for days after the bomb killed her parents, and Lena Lowell will do anything to make sure the sky stays blue from now on.
Living as a refugee in the Republic, Lena wants nothing more than to become First Lady, or possibly President, so she has the power to finally stop the Republic and her homeland of Trion from trying to wipe each other off the planet. However, sources state that the genetically engineered royal family of Trion plan to assassinate the son of the General who bombed their Capital, who happens to be Lena’s boyfriend, the promising young politician, Will Cole.
When Will tells Lena that he feels an agitating energy in the air, he confesses that he thinks he may be losing his mind and wants it kept quiet. But when Lena touches his skin, an electric charge shoots through her body, and she can feel the same agitating energy. Lena hates to watch her stalwart man crumble behind closed doors, so she investigates the cause of the “energy” on her own. Before she can find an answer, Will goes missing and the Republic thinks the Trion King may be to blame. Lena must discover the secret of Will’s affliction and help bring him home before the Republic stops searching and starts bombing. If she fails, war will take away everything she loves for the second time in her life.
STORMLAND was a runner-up in the Made of Awesome blog contest judged by agent Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates and I have been published in small press magazines such as Nerve Cowboy. You can learn more about me at http://sharonbayliss.blogspot.com.
At your request, I would be pleased to send you more of STORMLAND. Thank you for your consideration.
Dear Ms. Agent,
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Let Sharon know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please!
AND…don’t forget to check out the Writing for Young Adults Workshop Sarah J. Maas and I are offering in July!
♥
June 22, 2011 @ 3:47 pm
Hi!
This story sounds fabulous. I love the image of the genetically engineered Royal Family! I don’t know if it’s important to the query, but I wonder how likely it is that Lena, a refugee, would score someone as powerful as Will for a boyfriend (the son of a General)? On one hand, the fact that she is a refugee gives me an idea of conflict and what she will have to overcome to become President, but on the other hand, I have trouble buying her struggle if she can move up social circles so easily. Of course, I haven’t read the story though
🙂
As for the query itself, I think I might condense/rearrange the wording of the third paragraph slightly. I think I would say:
“When Will tells Lena that he feels an agitating energy in the air, he confesses that he thinks he may be losing his mind. But when Lena touches his skin, she is shocked to feel the same thing. Although Will wants to keep it quiet, Lena hates to watch her stalwart man crumble behind closed doors, so she sets out to investigate the cause of the “energy” on her own.”
Good Luck!!! 🙂
June 22, 2011 @ 4:08 pm
Thanks so much for the feedback and suggestions, Laura!! <3
June 24, 2011 @ 6:10 am
Hi Laura!
Thank you for your kind words here and on my blog! I’m glad you like the genetically engineered royal family. I checked your blog and can see why that might interest you. 😉
Thanks again!
June 22, 2011 @ 3:52 pm
My comments are in [brackets]
The sky looked black for days after the bomb killed her parents, and Lena Lowell will do anything to make sure the sky stays blue from now on. [I like this opener, it sets the scene well.]
Living as a refugee in the Republic, Lena wants nothing more than to become First Lady, or possibly President, so she has the power to finally stop the Republic and her homeland of Trion from trying to wipe each other off the planet.[I had to read this a couple of times to understand what you were saying. I still don’t quite know if she’s trying to be president of the Republic or of Trion. Maybe try breaking it up so it’s not so much to absorb in one sentence.] However, sources state that the genetically engineered royal family of Trion plan to assassinate the son of the General who bombed their Capital, who happens to be Lena’s boyfriend, the promising young politician, Will Cole. [Whoa, that was info overload. Again, break this down with the same info into smaller, easier to read chunks.]
When Will tells Lena that he feels an agitating energy in the air, he confesses that he thinks he may be losing his mind and wants it kept quiet.[Feels an agitating energy? Do they have some kind of special abilities?] But when Lena touches his skin, an electric charge shoots through her body,[Clarify what this means, is it giving her some ability, or just shocking her? I’m not quite sure.] and she can feel the same agitating energy.[watch out repeating the same phrase] Lena hates to watch her stalwart man crumble behind closed doors, so she investigates the cause of the “energy” [cut the “”] on her own. Before she can find an answer, Will goes missing and the Republic thinks the Trion King may be to blame. Lena must discover the secret of Will’s affliction and help bring him home before the Republic stops searching and starts bombing. If she fails, war will take away everything she loves for the second time in her life.
You don’t really say *why* she’s so intent on saving Trion other than it’s her homeland. Just because she’s from there doesn’t seem like a big enough reason to be trying to prevent a war of this magnitude. I think you just need a little more detail there. 🙂 Depending on how she came to the Republic, that might would give us a better clue as well.
This sounds super interesting! With a few tweaks, you’ll have a really strong query. 🙂 Good luck!
June 22, 2011 @ 4:08 pm
Thaaaaaaanks, Holly! As always, your ideas are super helpful. 😀
June 24, 2011 @ 6:12 am
Thank you Holly!
You have a lot of good ideas. In my revision below, I tried to break up some of those confusing sections and explain the energy more.
Thanks again for your help and your words of encouragement!
June 22, 2011 @ 8:38 pm
I put my comments in brackets too.
Dear Ms. Agent,
I’ve read in interviews that you enjoy fantasy set in a world similar to our own, so I believe you will enjoy my 70,000 word fantasy, STORMLAND.
The sky looked black for days after the bomb killed her parents, and Lena Lowell will do anything to make sure the sky stays blue from now on.
Living as a refugee in the Republic, Lena wants nothing more than to become First Lady, or possibly President, [If I’m being completely honest, this turned me off as a reader. First Lady? It made your heroine sound weak, like she wanted someone else to fix her problems for her. I saw later about how her boyfriend is a politician, so it makes more sense, but you might want to think about rewording the First Lady bit} so she has the power to finally stop the Republic and her homeland of Trion from trying to wipe each other off the planet. However, sources state that [I’d get rid of “sources state that.” You don’t need it] the genetically engineered royal family of Trion plan to assassinate the son of the General who bombed their Capital, who happens to be Lena’s boyfriend, the promising young politician, Will Cole. [The genetically engineered part sound interesting, but it’s just sort of tossed out there as random info. If it’s important to the story, I’d expand. If not, I’d lose it].
When Will tells Lena that he feels an agitating energy in the air, he confesses that he thinks he may be losing his mind and wants it kept quiet. But when Lena touches his skin, an electric charge shoots through her body, and she can feel the same agitating energy. [What is the agitating energy and why is it important? I don’t understand what this means.] Lena hates to watch her stalwart man crumble behind closed doors, so she investigates the cause of the “energy” [I’d lose the quotes] on her own. Before she can find an answer, Will goes missing and the Republic thinks the Trion King may be to blame. Lena must discover the secret of Will’s affliction and help bring him home before the Republic stops searching and starts bombing. If she fails, war will take away everything she loves for the second time in her life.
STORMLAND was a runner-up in the Made of Awesome blog contest judged by agent Judith Engracia of Liza Dawson and Associates and I have been published in small press magazines such as Nerve Cowboy. You can learn more about me at http://sharonbayliss.blogspot.com.
At your request, I would be pleased to send you more of STORMLAND. Thank you for your consideration.
[Sharon, I think this sounds like an awesome story with a lot of potential! But as of right now, your query comes off as a little unfocused. To me, a reader, it seems like the main story line is a war between two territories, a secret power (of sorts) of a boyfriend and a mystery as to what this mysterious energy is. Everything about Lena’s political ambitions and the assassination plot seems non-essential to that. You have a lot a lot of information in the query. If you cut it down to just the essentials, I think the query will be stronger.
But again, great plot!]
June 23, 2011 @ 5:50 pm
Awesome–thank you so much for the helpful critique, Meredith!
June 24, 2011 @ 6:18 am
Hi Meredith!
Thank you so much for the thoughtful critique and kind words! You make a good point about the two story lines. I’m a little stuck there unfortunately. When I try to remove the Republic v Trion subplot, the query sounds like regular paranormal romance set in the real world. I’m not sure if there is a good way to fix it, but am still open to ideas! You (and Holly) also made a good point about the genetically engineered tidbit. I tried expounding on it, but it unfocused the query more, and it always grabs interest so I’m hesitant to take it out. Haven’t decided what I want to do there. 🙂 Thanks again Meredith!!!!
June 24, 2011 @ 6:24 am
Here is my attempt at revision. Unfortunately, I couldn’t work in all of your suggestions, but I promise I tried! I feel like I’m playing Jenga with my query – add or remove the wrong thing and it just falls apart. 😉
Thanks ladies for your comments and a HUGE thank you to Susan for hosting query day and also for relaying the comments to me while I was having technical difficulties. 😀
The sky looked black for days after the bomb killed her parents, and Lena Lowell will do anything to make sure the sky stays blue from now on.
Living as a refugee in the Republic, Lena dates the promising young politician, Will Cole. She hopes that as future President and First Lady they can end the violence between the Republic and Lena’s homeland of Trion. However, sources state that the genetically engineered royal family of Trion plan to assassinate the son of the General who bombed their Capital, who happens to be Will.
When Will tells Lena that he feels an agitating energy in the air, he confesses that he thinks he may be losing his mind and wants it kept quiet. But with one touch, Lena feels the electricity humming beneath his skin and a prickly sensation spreads through her body. Lena hates to watch her stalwart man crumble behind closed doors, so she investigates the cause of the energy on her own. Before she can find an answer, Will goes missing and the Republic thinks the Trion King may be to blame. Lena must discover the secret of Will’s affliction and help bring him home before the Republic stops searching and starts bombing. If she fails, war will take away everything she loves for the second time in her life.