Query Critique #1: Faking the Aurora Borealis
So, I decided to go ahead and throw my friend Yahong‘s query up for community feedback! Please leave your thoughts in the comments (nothing snarky — it will be instantly deleted). Spread the word so Yahong can get as much quality criticism as possibility!
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Dear [agent]:
When a bizarre circular imprint appears in the fields of National Nepean Equestrian Park, the stable where thirteen-year-old Victoria and classmate Britney ride, Britney’s first impression is: it’s a crop circle. Victoria’s first impression: it’s not. But the label sticks, and her stable—the only place where she can horseback ride, her one joy—might have to shut down because of the bad PR. Immediately, Victoria sets to work proving the imprint didn’t originate from the galaxies.
After a while, Britney abruptly stops claiming the imprint’s a crop circle. When Victoria digs around to find out why, her investigations uncover further evidence that the imprints might be hoaxed. Now, if only she knew what to do about her findings without incriminating
Britney. Or her mother, who’s in court. But not for the hoaxing of the crop circles.
Yet.
Complete at approximately 37,000 words, FAKING THE AURORA BOREALIS is a contemporary upper middle-grade novel suitable for ages 10 to 14.
I am a member of the Canadian Society of Children’s Authors, Illustrators & Performers. My work for children has been published in Teen Voices, Zamoof! and Skipping Stones. I am also a children’s book reviewer for CM: Canadian Review of Materials, Crow Toes Quarterly and Canadian Children’s Book News. I have four years of English riding experience.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
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Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
January 21, 2011 @ 9:55 am
“When a bizarre circular imprint appears in the fields of National Nepean Equestrian Park, the stable where thirteen-year-old Victoria and classmate Britney ride, Britney’s first impression is: it’s a crop circle.”
This sentence is a bit wordy. Perhaps you could cut it up a bit. Also, it was difficult for me to grasp the first time I read it.
I also found the transition of the two paragraphs a bit rough.
I also like the conflict you included about incriminating Britney or her mother. I think if you put more emphasis on it, the query letter would be much stronger.
January 21, 2011 @ 1:42 pm
Thanks for stopping by to help out, aekubo! Much appreciated! 🙂
January 21, 2011 @ 2:01 pm
Thank you, aekubo! I’ll get on it right away. 🙂
January 21, 2011 @ 1:38 pm
First of all, this sounds like a really cute story!
“After a while, Britney abruptly stops claiming the imprint’s a crop circle.” **After a while and abruptly say two different things, I’d pick one and get rid of the other.
“When Victoria digs around to find out why, her investigations uncover further evidence that the imprints might be hoaxed. Now, if only she knew what to do about her findings without incriminating Britney. Or her mother, who’s in court. But not for the hoaxing of the crop circles.” **This could be tightened up, you’ve got lots of extra words in here. You want snappy, tight sentences.
Also, I wouldn’t bother saying what ages it’s suitable for. You already told them it’s MG. 😉
Very nicely done. With a little tweaking, I’d say you’ll have a winner. Good luck!
January 21, 2011 @ 1:41 pm
Thanks for the feedback, Holly!! 😀
January 21, 2011 @ 2:02 pm
Thanks for the tips, Holly – it’s good to know what to look out for!
January 21, 2011 @ 2:06 pm
Can’t believe we’ve already got such immediate feedback. Looking forward to critiquing some queries myself! And a big hand to Susan for doing this in the first place. 😀
January 21, 2011 @ 2:34 pm
You are most welcome, Yahong! I’ll send you my critique soon!! 🙂 Great job!
January 21, 2011 @ 2:53 pm
My comments are in all caps—not because I’m yelling at you, but because it’s the only way I could think of to do it! 🙂
When a bizarre circular imprint appears in the fields of National Nepean Equestrian Park, the stable where thirteen-year-old Victoria and classmate Britney ride, Britney’s first impression is: it’s a crop circle. (LOVE THE PREMISE, BUT I’M A BIT CONFUSED BY THE RELATIONSHIP. ARE BRITNEY AND VICTORIA FRIENDS OR JUST CLASSMATES WHO RIDE AT THE SAME PLACE? I’D CLARIFY) Victoria’s first impression: it’s not. But the label sticks, and her stable—the only place where she can horseback ride, her one joy—might have to shut down because of the bad PR. Immediately, Victoria sets to work proving the imprint didn’t originate from the galaxies.
After a while, Britney abruptly stops claiming the imprint’s a crop circle. When Victoria digs around to find out why, her investigations uncover further evidence that the imprints might be hoaxed. (“HOAXED” SOUNDS FUNNY TO ME. MAYBE “THE IMPRINTS MIGHT BE A HOAX?”) Now, if only she knew what to do about her findings without incriminating Britney. Or her mother, who’s in court. (WHOSE MOTHER? BRITNEY’S OR VICTORIA’S? AND IS THE MOM A CRIMINAL OR A LAWYER? YOU COULD READ THIS A NUMBER OF WAYS) But not for the hoaxing of the crop circles.
Yet.
Complete at approximately 37,000 words, FAKING THE AURORA BOREALIS is a contemporary upper middle-grade novel suitable for ages 10 to 14. (I’M WITH HOLLY ON THIS ONE—JUST SAY IT’S A MG, NO NEED FOR AGE BRACKET. OR EVEN “UPPER,” I’D SAY.)
I am a member of the Canadian Society of Children’s Authors, Illustrators & Performers. My work for children has been published in Teen Voices, Zamoof! and Skipping Stones. I am also a children’s book reviewer for CM: Canadian Review of Materials, Crow Toes Quarterly and Canadian Children’s Book News. I have four years of English riding experience. (NICE!)
MORE COMMENTS:
Not in caps. 🙂 I think you have a really great premise here! I do, however, have lots of questions after reading the query. I get that there are two girls who ride, but I’m not sure of the relationship. I take it you’re setting up a mystery—why and how did the imprints appear on the field, and why does Britney all of a sudden change her tune? (Which has me really intrigued!) The bit about the mom is confusing, and I’m wondering if you even need that detail at all. It kind of appears at the end, and it seemed a little left field for me. If the mom is really important to the story, I’d find a way to weave it in earlier in the query. Set the relationships up front. Does that make sense?
But, like I said, it sounds like an awesome story. Just a little bit of tweaking, and you’re going to have a solid query!
January 21, 2011 @ 6:03 pm
The in-depth comments are so helpful – I need to clear up the relationship and the mother part, plus take out the age bracket and possibly “upper”, right? Thanks, Meredith!
January 21, 2011 @ 7:28 pm
Thanks for that great critique, Meredith! 😀 I appreciate it!
January 21, 2011 @ 8:26 pm
This sounds like a great story!
Do you need the name of the stables in the first sentence? If you took that out I think it would flow better.
I would also like to know more about the relationship between the two girls. Were they close before the crop circle disagreement or were they enemies? Either way there is conflict, but I would assume that it would be a lot harder for your MC to disagree with a friend and it would give me a better idea about the problems she will face in the book (losing a friend vs possible bullying from Britney…?).
I wasn’t quite clear if you were talking about Victoria’s mother or Britney’s mother. I really like the mystery of the mother, and it definitely raises the stakes (from potential friend disagreement to more serious problem with adults involved) but could you give a little more detail?
Thanks for sharing your letter and best of luck with the querying process!
January 21, 2011 @ 9:56 pm
Thanks for the comments, Carrie! The points you raised will definitely be taken into account.
January 21, 2011 @ 11:58 pm
Thanks so much for the feedback, Carrie! 😀
January 21, 2011 @ 8:42 pm
Hi!
First of all, this sounds great–a 10 year old me would totally have read this! 🙂
To make it just a little more clear, I would tighten up the first paragraph. I might not even mention Britney here–I’d maybe just do something like:
“When a bizarre circular imprint appears in the fields of the stable where thirteen-year-old Victoria rides, people immediately start calling it a crop circle. Soon, the stable—the only place where Victoria can horseback ride, her one joy—might have to shut down because of the bad PR. Immediately, she sets to work proving the imprint didn’t originate from the galaxies.”
…and then mention Britney for the first time in the next paragraph, where the action seems to start to involve her more. Maybe something like…
“When Victoria’s friend Britney suddenly changes her tune on the crop circle theory…” etc etc.
Also, I felt like the Mom part was intriguing because it raised the stakes, but I was a little confused about what part the Mom had in the crop circle stuff. I also, like the previous poster, thought the Mom came a little out of left field and could have been mentioned earlier if she’s important.
But overall, I think this makes your story sound really intriguing! Congrats!
January 21, 2011 @ 9:59 pm
Thank you, Maggie! It seems that the mother part trips up people, so I’ll definitely re-arrange it somehow. And I’m looking to tighten my writing, too.
January 21, 2011 @ 11:59 pm
Thank you so much for dropping by, Maggie! Great feedback! 🙂
January 22, 2011 @ 2:21 am
Maggie beat me to what I was going to say–and likely said it far better! I agree the first paragraph should focus on Victoria, the appearance of the crop circle and the threat of the stable closing down due to bad PR. In the second paragraph I would introduce Britney and her relationship to Victoria and mention why she’s important to the story. Same thing with Victoria’s mom and a few more details why she might be a suspect in the crop circle mystery. If there’s a larger conflict involving the mother, I’d mention it there to up the stakes a bit. The final paragraph detailing information about the author was just fine. 🙂
Otherwise, this is a really cute concept. Definitely something I would have read when I was in 5th or 6th grade.
January 22, 2011 @ 2:47 am
That’s great to hear, Joie – now I know where things should go. Thank you so much!
January 22, 2011 @ 4:29 am
Thanks for giving your feedback, Joie! Much appreciated!
January 22, 2011 @ 2:38 am
Everyone has such great comments, I’m not sure I have a ton to add. I love the idea of a MG mystery with crop circles and horses!
I can say: focus on the main conflict, whether it is the mom or the friend. You might not need both. To me, it sounds like the “bigger” theme is the mystery with the mom.
IMHO, in a query you don’t have to mention every plot, just focus on the core conflict. Introducing too much can add confusion.
In a synopsis, you’ll want to pull both in.
January 22, 2011 @ 2:45 am
Thanks for the ‘humble’ opinion, Katharine 😀 I think there’s truth in that – don’t include every little problem, right? Thank you!!
January 22, 2011 @ 4:30 am
Nice suggestion KO — definitely true that the *main* conflict has to be focused on and all sub-plots ignored! Thanks for the suggestion!
January 22, 2011 @ 6:37 pm
You’ve gotten a lot of great commentary! I’m not very good with queries, but I found myself wanting a little more concrete details about what she found. Nothing too spoilery, but it read just a bit too vague to catch my interest as much as I would have liked. That said, you’ve got an interesting premise! Very unique!
January 23, 2011 @ 1:09 am
Right, specifics make sense. Thank you, Amanda!
January 23, 2011 @ 10:49 pm
I definitely agree with all the suggestions above, especially cutting up the first sentence. I think it can be an effective hook, but because it’s too long and a bit confusing, it’s difficult to establish the ‘hook’ factor.
I also second Maggie’s suggestion to mention only Victoria in the first paragraph. That way, you can establish her character and conflicts before introducing other characters.
January 24, 2011 @ 12:10 am
So you second the opinions – good to know which parts need the most help. Thanks so much, Emy!
January 23, 2011 @ 11:52 pm
Yes, great advice here. Focus on one character and the main plot issue – I’m unclear if that’s the potential closing of the stable or the loss of Victoria and Britney’s friendship. Try to give us consequences, too. What happens if Victoria discovers/reveals the dark secret between Britney and her Mom? What happens if she doesn’t reveal it?
January 24, 2011 @ 12:11 am
Right, one character and one main issue. And clarify consequences. Thank you, Victoria!
PS: And it’s kinda funny you have the same name, eh? 😀 Although I guess it’s not that uncommon… okay, never mind me.