Query Critique #2: We Were Broken
Okay, peeps! Laura Wardle is up today, so please leave you thoughts in the comment section. Remember: all snark will be instantly incinerated! Oh, and spread the word so Laura can get lots of helpful feedback.
Also, be sure to check out Janet Reid’s latest post on query letters. Lots of great information to be mined from the Query Shark’s mind! (Like my dorky use of homophones? You know you did!)
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Dear Agent:
I am writing to inquire if you would be interested in my contemporary romance novel, WE WERE BROKEN, due to your stated interest in the romance genre (that line will change according to the agent’s sales and whatnot– I’ll always try to mention a book they’ve sold recently). A brief overview follows:
Twenty-one year old Grace Blanchett just wants to forget about the night she found her fiancé sleeping with her best friend.
So when Grace meets Summer at a coffee shop and learns that the girl has recently become homeless, she offers her the spare bedroom in her apartment. Because Grace needs someone, anyone, who’ll help ease the loneliness that’s crept in since she cut off her old life. An unlikely friendship grows between the two girls. They may be from very different walks of life—Grace from a privileged background, Summer the product of a broken home—but they need each other.
Their new friendship is put to the test when Summer discovers that she’s pregnant. Terrified of following in her estranged mother’s footsteps, she needs Grace’s support more than ever. Summer’s half-brother, River, does all he can to help, but his presence only complicates matters when Grace starts falling for him—even though he’s already seeing another girl. Grace has a decision to make—one that will challenge all that she stands for: should she follow her heart and become the other woman, or once again sever all ties—this time with River—and risk losing Summer in the process.
Written in the third person narratives of the two female protagonists (Grace and Summer), WE WERE BROKEN is complete at 75,000 words.
My passion for literature led me to pursue a bachelor’s degree in English from Hull University. Also, I passed a Starting Writing Fiction course with the Open University. (Please note this query is a multiple submission. I would be happy to send you my completed manuscript.)
Thank you for your time and consideration,
~~~
Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
January 24, 2011 @ 10:23 am
My first issue is that I don’t know what the genre is. NOW I’m assuming woman’s fiction, but going by that first line–which you said would change–I went into the query thinking it was a romance. Then I thought a lesbian romance, as the two first protagonists mentioned are women. SO, the point here is be careful how you word your initial intro. I might mention the genre from the get-go.
If it IS a romance, a hetero romance, then you need to change focus from the women to the relationship between the hero and the heroine, PS.
SECOND, I’m having problems seeing the conflict between Grace and Summer. I don’t know how much that actually comes into play, but from the “unlikely friendship” and “need each other” and “put to the test,” I’m assuming this is strongly about the interplay between these two women. So you really need to highlight what exactly that conflict is. If it’s all about River, then he needs to appear earlier in the query, I’d say.
THIRD, I’m not seeing enough of your voice here. There are a few use of cliche (see above paragraph’s quotes) which hides what makes your book stand out in the women’s fiction genre.
And finally, I don’t understand how “seeing another woman” equates Grace to becoming the other woman. It’s not like River’s married. I feel like I need to know why he can’t break it off with this other woman, in favor of Grace, in order for that phrase to work. I don’t buy that conflict as it’s currently written
Uhm, this is pretty scatterbrained (sorry), but I hope it helped. 🙂
January 24, 2011 @ 10:26 am
Oh, it IS romance. Sorry -_-;;;
Yeah, definitely, you need to make the query more about Grace and River. It’s interesting to have the POV not go to the Hero, so I can understand why you want to highlight the relationship between Grace and Summer, but romance is ultimately about the romantic relationship, not the friendly relationship.
Usually romance queries are written thus:
Heroine’s paragraph–her motivation, her goals, her conflict (preferably with the hero)
Hero’s paragraph–his motivation, his goals, his conflict (preferably with the heroine)
And then (maybe) a bringing-together of plot-y goodness.
I know that won’t exactly work with your book, but see what you can come up with.
January 24, 2011 @ 2:22 pm
Thanks for the great feedback Kat! I agree that if it’s a romance, it needs to be presented as such…
But maybe it’s not a romance — I thought it might have been a women’s fiction mislabeled as a romance!
Laura, when you read this, let us know! 😀
January 24, 2011 @ 6:31 pm
Thank you so much for the feedback, Kat! I really appreciate it. Both you and Susan are correct–it’s not a romance. That much I’ve realised from these comments and Susan’s critique. It is indeed women’s fiction mislabeled. I mean, yeah, there’s two love stories–Summer’s and Grace’s–threaded in there, but it’s more about their friendship than anything. My initial premise was for the new friendship between the girls to become their foundation for “fixing” themselves, if you know what I mean. Hence the title being WE WERE BROKEN.
January 24, 2011 @ 8:35 pm
Good to know it’s women’s fiction — it’s got a great story for that genre, so I’m relieved to hear this! 😀
January 24, 2011 @ 2:30 pm
I agree with Kat –Half way down the query I still thought it was lesbian romance because the focus was so heavily placed on the relationship between Grace and Summer. If the story is about Grace and River, you must talk about Him and Her and Why Not. I’m not saying you should write Summer off (Definitely not saying that!), but she needs to get a little less spotlight, specially during the first paragraphs.
Also, while reading the query this jumped at me: Why is Summer living with Grace and not with her brother, River? I’m sure you have a sound reason for this, but it smacked me of plot-hole. Maybe you should mention why you think this is so?
Hope that helped! 🙂
Loves,
Sparks
January 24, 2011 @ 2:33 pm
Ooh nice — I didn’t even think about Summer living with River. That makes a lot of sense!
Thanks for stopping by and helping out, Adriana/Sparks!
January 24, 2011 @ 6:35 pm
That is indeed a huge plot-hole! Thanks for pointing that out. I will be sure to mention that in my revision of the query.
It is, of course, addressed in the manuscript. Basically, Summer doesn’t want to lean on River anymore, as he pretty much brought her up himself. Their mum has absolutely no interest in Summer–never has done, either.
Cheers, Sparks. ♥
January 24, 2011 @ 6:38 pm
Ahhh, that explains it. Glad to hear the plot hole is only in the query and not the MS — that’d be tricky to fix! 😉
January 24, 2011 @ 8:40 pm
SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS BUT IT’S TO SEPARATE MY COMMENTS.
—–>I am writing to inquire if you would be interested in my contemporary romance novel, WE WERE BROKEN, due to your stated interest in the romance genre (that line will change according to the agent’s sales and whatnot– I’ll always try to mention a book they’ve sold recently). A brief overview follows:Written in the third person narratives of the two female protagonists (Grace and Summer), completeMy passion for literature led me to pursue a bachelor’s degree in English from Hull University. Also, I passed a Starting Writing Fiction course with the Open University. (Please note this query is a multiple submission. I would be happy to send you my completed manuscript.)<— IT DOESN'T ADD ANYTHING TO YOUR CREDENTIALS, BUT SHOWCASES YOUR LACK OF THEM (WHICH ISN'T A BAD THING TO NOT HAVE, YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT GLARINGLY OBVIOUS BY TALKING ABOUT ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT, WHILE ARE GREAT FOR YOU, AREN'T REALLY RELEVANT TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN WRITE). QUERIES ARE ASSUMED TO BE ON MULTIPLE SUBMISSION SO YOU DON'T NEED TO SAY IT.
So I will admit that I'm not the best with queries, myself. I can crit them much better than I can write my own but that doesn't mean my crits are even on the mark. 🙂
Mostly, my feeling from this was that I needed something to make me care and I really didn't have anything. I have no sense of the story or its purpose. You said it was romance – it doesn't read like one. It reads like a much more depressing story. Romance always has a happily-ever-after so try to bring some light into the darkness. You could probably do that more effectively by using the voice of the story.
Hope that was helpful and not too harsh for you. I know that I will be getting squashed to bits when I finally get to writing a query for mine. Query writing is miserable.
January 24, 2011 @ 8:45 pm
Uh oh. I think all the things I put in to make it easier to see where my comments were fudged up the html because basically, most of the crit is gone. It squashed the top and bottom while deleting the whole middle.
It might be better just to delete it, if you can, Susan. I don’t want anything to get taken out of context.
January 24, 2011 @ 8:50 pm
I’d really like to read your feedback, Cheryl. Please could you post it again? Thanks!
January 24, 2011 @ 9:50 pm
I can definitely delete it… But Laura seems to want the feedback, and it’s really helpful what you’ve got here. Let me know what you want. 🙂 Thanks for all the help!
January 24, 2011 @ 10:38 pm
Yes, I will. And this time I’ll try to figure out a better way to input my comments with screwing the html up. 🙂
January 24, 2011 @ 10:42 pm
Aw, bless you! I really appreciate it. 🙂
January 24, 2011 @ 11:05 pm
I am writing to inquire if you would be interested in my contemporary romance novel, WE WERE BROKEN, due to your stated interest in the romance genre (that line will change according to the agent’s sales and whatnot– I’ll always try to mention a book they’ve sold recently). A brief overview follows: **I WOULD DELETE THIS WHOLE PARA AND START WITH THE STORY. THEY KNOW WHY YOU ARE SENDING A QUERY. UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING REALLY GOOD & SINCERE TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU EITHER FOLLOW THEIR BLOG, THEIR SALES OR SOMETHING ELSE THAT WOULD BRING A SUPER PERSONAL TOUCH, I WOULDN’T START WITH IT. THEY EXPECT THAT YOU’VE RESEARCHED THEIR SALES TO KNOW WHAT THEY REP – SO WHILE I DON’T THINK IT’S NECESSARILY BAD TO SAY “SINCE YOU REPPED X, YOU MIGHT LIKE MY BOOK” I THINK IT’S BETTER TO TRY TO GET TO THE POINT BECAUSE THEY’VE SEEN THAT SENTENCE A MILLION TIMES. HOOK THEM WITH YOUR STORY FIRST. THAT’S MY TAKE ON IT, AT LEAST.**
Twenty-one year old Grace Blanchett just wants to forget about the night she found her fiancé sleeping with her best friend.
So when Grace meets Summer at a coffee shop and learns that the girl has recently become homeless, she offers her the spare bedroom in her apartment.
**WHY WOULD SHE INVITE SOMEONE SHE JUST MET TO MOVE IN?**
Because Grace needs someone, anyone, who’ll help ease the loneliness that’s crept in since she cut off her old life.
**AS AN ATTEMPT TO ANSWER THE QUESTION ABOVE, IT’S A BIT UNSATISFACTORY OF AN EXPLANATION, WHICH HAPPENS IN A QUERY WHERE YOU HAVE A LIMITED AMOUNT OF WORDS.**
An unlikely friendship grows between the two girls. They may be from very different walks of life—Grace from a privileged background, Summer the product of a broken home—but they need each other.
**I THOUGHT THIS WAS A ROMANCE? IS IT LESBIAN?**
Their new friendship is put to the test when Summer discovers that she’s pregnant.
**HOW AND WHY? THE THREE SENTENCES ABOVE AMOUNT TO “SHE GETS A NEW ROOMMATE” SO YOU COULD EASILY CHOP IT DOWN SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE UNSATISFACTORY EXPLANATIONS.**
Terrified of following in her estranged mother’s footsteps, she needs Grace’s support more than ever. Summer’s half-brother, River, does all he can to help, but his presence only complicates matters when Grace starts falling for him—even though he’s already seeing another girl. Grace has a decision to make—one that will challenge all that she stands for: should she follow her heart and become the other woman, or once again sever all ties—this time with River—and risk losing Summer in the process.
**MY BIGGEST PROBLEM HERE IS THAT THIS ISN’T FOLLOWING 1. THE ROMANCE GENRE – IT FOLLOWS MORE OF THE FIRST PARA SUGGESTION THAT THIS IS A STORY ABOUT FRIENDSHIP – WHICH SUGGESTS LIT FIC. 2. IF IT’S THE STORY OF GRACE AND RIVER, FOCUS ON THAT. YOU DON’T NEED TO GIVE US EVERY EVENT AND SUBPLOT TO CONVEY THE *MAIN* PLOT. ANOTHER PROBLEM I HAVE IS THAT THESE EVENTS, WELL, THEY DON’T MAKE GRACE A VERY SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER. SHE GETS PREGNANT THROUGH AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN, IS CRUSHING ON HER ROOMMATES BROTHER AND HAS A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER. WITHOUT THE VOICE OF THE STORY, SHE DOESN’T SOUND LIKE SOMEONE I WANT TO KNOW. ADD SOME CHARACTER TO MAKE ME CARE ABOUT HER AND THAT SHE GETS HER CRAP TOGETHER.**
Written in the third person narratives of the two female protagonists (Grace and Summer),**DELETE – UNNECESSARY**
WE WERE BROKEN is **complete DELETE – THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT IT’S COMPLETE IT YOU ARE QUERYING** at 75,000 words.
**My passion for literature led me to pursue a bachelor’s degree in English from Hull University. Also, I passed a Starting Writing Fiction course with the Open University. (Please note this query is a multiple submission. I would be happy to send you my completed manuscript.) DELETE**
IT DOESN’T ADD ANYTHING TO YOUR CREDENTIALS, BUT SHOWCASES YOUR LACK OF THEM (WHICH ISN’T A BAD THING TO NOT HAVE, YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO MAKE IT GLARINGLY OBVIOUS BY TALKING ABOUT ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT, WHILE ARE GREAT FOR YOU, AREN’T REALLY RELEVANT TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN WRITE). QUERIES ARE ASSUMED TO BE ON MULTIPLE SUBMISSION SO YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY IT. JUST END WITH THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION.
Okay, so now I’m going to hit submit and hope all goes through okay. 🙂
January 24, 2011 @ 11:08 pm
I also forgot to mention that I don’t know what the stakes are. What happens if she doesn’t get the guy or repair her friendship or whatever you decide to focus on in the query?
January 25, 2011 @ 1:20 am
Thank you sooooooooo much for typing all that again, Cheryl! I really appreciate it! 😀
January 25, 2011 @ 1:54 am
Kein Problem!
January 24, 2011 @ 9:03 pm
After reading the comments, it does make more sense as women’s lit than romance.
That said, when I read the query letter, the main issue of the book seems to be between Grace and River, much like the standard romance formula. Perhaps minimize River’s involvement and bump up Summer’s “voice”.
You don’t have to take River out completely, but something along the lines of “Then Grace starts falling for River, Summer’s brother, and (insert consequences).”
My other concern is why these are the only 2 choices for Grace re: River – “should she follow her heart and become the other woman, or once again sever all ties—this time with River—and risk losing Summer in the process.” For someone coming in cold to the story, that felt a little off.
My two cents.
🙂
Good luck!
January 24, 2011 @ 9:51 pm
Thanks for stopping by, Kathy! Great suggestions.
January 24, 2011 @ 11:07 pm
I’m glad to see this is women’s fiction–it sounds like a great women’s fic story!
I agree with what a lot of the previous posters have said, so I’m not going to repeat it all. Just a couple more suggestions. From this query, it sounds like the main dramatic conflict is the Grace/River dynamic, and the rest almost seems like backstory. Is this the case? If so, I’d bring in more River, and maybe a little less Summer. If that’s not right, and the friendship with Summer (and possibly losing it over her brother) is more of the conflict, I’d try to make that more clear in that last sentence of the summary.
Also, I think the title is great, and what you said about it earlier makes a lot of sense. I might even bring that into the query–something about the unlikely friendship the girls form being the catalyst for healing what’s broken in them. Sounds like a good tagline for a women’s fiction story to me!
And last, if it were me, I probably wouldn’t take time explaining in the query why Summer is not living with River. I see how people would find it confusing, but my eyes kind of skimmed right over it, assuming it was explained in the MS. I think trying to explain it might get too wordy. But that’s just me!
Good luck! 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 1:21 am
Thanks so much for your feedback, Maggie. I think you’re right that the conflict (Summer or River?) should be clearer.
January 25, 2011 @ 1:17 am
I will upfront say that I have no idea what women’s fiction is like. I’m not even old enough to join the SCBWI – they wouldn’t let me. 🙁 So I’m just going to comment on the query structure. Oh, and my comments are in square brackets, in an attempt to not caps lock all my comments. 😛
I am writing to inquire if you would be interested in my contemporary romance novel, WE WERE BROKEN, due to your stated interest in the romance [<THAT's what makes us think it's a romance] genre (that line will change according to the agent’s sales and whatnot– I’ll always try to mention a book they’ve sold recently). A brief overview follows:
Twenty-one year old Grace Blanchett just wants to forget about the night she found her fiancé sleeping with her best friend.
So when Grace meets Summer [is Summer her friend? or just some random person? I didn't get this] at a coffee shop and learns that the girl has recently become homeless, she offers her the spare bedroom in her apartment.[I don't know how offering the bedroom helps Grace forget. Oh, an kill the 'in her apartment' and change the 'the spare…' to 'her spare…'] Because Grace needs someone, anyone, who’ll help ease the loneliness that’s crept in since she cut off her old life.[I don't think this sentence fragment works well here.] An unlikely friendship grows between the two girls. They may be from very different walks of life—Grace from a privileged background, Summer the product of a broken home—but they need each other.
Their new friendship is put to the test when Summer discovers that she’s pregnant. [Terrified of following in her estranged mother’s footsteps, she needs Grace’s support more than ever.[<This syntax is weak] Summer’s half-brother, River, does all he can to help,[a few specifics on how he helps?] but his presence only complicates matters when Grace starts falling for him—even though he’s already seeing another girl. Grace has a decision to make—one that will challenge all that she stands for: should she follow her heart and become the other woman, or once again sever all ties—this time with River—and risk losing Summer in the process.[maybe this is just me being ignorant of the genre… but couldn't Grace let Summer know the turmoil she's going through and work together to figure out how to solve this potential heartache?]
Written in the third person narratives of the two female protagonists (Grace and Summer)[kill the {Grace and Summer) part, I think it's unnecessary], WE WERE BROKEN is complete at 75,000 words.
My passion for literature [<we would HOPE you had a passion for literature… I think you can just say "I pursued" or "I completed" if you did.] led me to pursue a bachelor’s degree in English from Hull University. Also, I passed a Starting Writing Fiction course with the Open University. [I don't know if this credential is any good…](Please note this query is a multiple submission. I would be happy to send you my completed manuscript.) [remove those brackets (or is it parentheses, for Americans?) and kill the second sentence]
All right, I hope I haven't just embarrassed myself with my lack of knowledge in women's fiction, but I do read some romance (Harlequin's are my guilty pleasure :D) and the conflict in the query does seem to be romance.
January 25, 2011 @ 1:22 am
Thanks, Yahong! Your feedback is helpful even if you’re a baby 😉 (I’m just messing with you, btw.)
Thanks for the very thorough critique!
January 25, 2011 @ 6:02 pm
Thanks, Yahong! I really appreciate the feedback. 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 12:26 pm
Hi Laura,
Everyone seems to have presented lots of helpful info. I would only add: some agents do ask to know whether you are sending as a multiple submission. I am sure you know this, and that’s why you included it. :0) Definitely keep that line for those instances.
January 25, 2011 @ 6:00 pm
Precisely, Katharine. That’s why it’s in there. 🙂 Thanks for the feedback.
January 25, 2011 @ 7:35 pm
I think it’s pretty much been said, but I kept looking for the story to come back to the fact that her fiance slept with her best friend and it never did. I’d focus on the mc and River. Maybe you talked to much about Summer and Grace? Good luck! Sounds like a moving romance once you get the query right!
January 25, 2011 @ 11:42 pm
Perhaps I should refer back to the fiancé thing–it is quite central in the story. It’s the basis of Grace’s motivation and the main reason she fears getting involved with River.
Anyway, thanks so much for the feedback! <3
January 27, 2011 @ 4:30 am
I’m going to just jump in and trim down your query, and we’ll just see what’s left.
***
Twenty-one year old Grace Blanchett wants to forget the night she found her fiancé sleeping with her best friend.
So when Grace meets Summer at a coffee shop and learns that the girl is homeless, she offers her the spare bedroom in her apartment. Grace needs someone, anyone, who’ll ease her loneliness. A friendship grows between the two girls.
Summer discovers she’s pregnant and needs Grace’s support more than ever. Summer’s half-brother, River, tries to help, but Grace starts falling for him—even though he’s seeing another girl. Should Grace become the “other woman,” or sever all ties—this time with River—and risk losing Summer.
WE WERE BROKEN is a completed contemporary romance at 75,000 words. I’m querying you due to your awesome books Blah Blah and Romance Romance which you sold recently. and then bio stuff.
***
I noticed how the topic of your query sort of veered off when River showed up. Of course Grace shouldn’t become the “other woman;” you don’t want your main character to be a moral cad, unless it’s part of what she must overcome later on in the story. I would recommend following one plot line and staying with it through the end of the query. Stay with Summer all the way through (what happened to the baby?), or turn the focus of the query on River. A query is too short to do both at once, it seems.
Hope this helps!