Query Critique #10: Run, Delaney
Today’s query is our last, and it’s from a beginning writer — in other words, BE GENTLE. While everyone has been offering amazing feedback, we can all come across harsh if we’re not careful.
So try to be helpful but sweet for this newbie — it’s her first attempt at querying!
🙂
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Dear Agent,
<insert special comments for agent> As such, I believe you’ll enjoy my 50,000 word YA urban fantasy novel RUN, DELANEY. Delaney is a teen werewolf and mother, on the run from her pack and its leader Sable, who’s also the father of her child.
Deep in the woods of the Tyson County Forest, live three packs: the Solar, the Schulsia, and the Secchi. Delaney leads a content life as a Solar pack member until one fateful night when her home, the Solar Compound is attacked with fire by an unknown enemy. Enter Sable: a charismatic rogue bearing promises to protect the traumatized Solar. He wins the title of Pack Leader and forces Delaney to be his mate. She learns of his ties to the mysterious enemy, and her own bloodline connection to their schemes.
Scared and pregnant, Delaney runs away burdened with the knowledge of her people’s violent past, and of being a dead Pack Leader’s daughter. The city of Tyson provides a unique hiding place as she learns to assimilate with the human population. However, a struggle for regional dominance has broken out in the forest. As daughter to a Pack Leader, Delaney must comes to terms with that role in order to unite the packs before history repeats itself , and they are all left in ruins.
RUN, DELANEY is a standalone in a potential series and I think it will attract fans of Annette Curtis Klaus’ werewolf novel BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE or Maggie Stiefvater’s WOLVES OF MERCY series . I’m a Los Angeles student and a member of YALITCHAT.org, working on my next novel. The manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your time.
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Leave your comments below! This is the LAST day of queries, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Tomorrow I’ll have a recap of all the fail and WIN I’ve seen over the last two weeks. Thank you for making these two weeks of query critiques such an amazing success, and I hope — really hope — it’s been as much fun and help for you as it has been for me!
😀
♥♥♥♥
Katharine Owens
February 3, 2011 @ 1:07 pm
Sticking your work out for critique is a difficult, but ultimately a great step. Good for you, poster, for putting yourself out there.
I am no query master (see mine earlier in the week), but I can give general advice. I think you have a combination of too much information and not enough high stakes. It is a tricky line to walk: you obviously have a detailed world that you’ve built. Don’t be afraid to drop some of the details in this format. Your word count and your first pages will give the agent the info they need to know about the world you’ve built. I would pare this down to the high stakes and the core conflict.
Also, watch out for cliche phrases (come to terms with role, history repeats itself, left in ruins).
I am a Los Angeles student- I think either get really specific (name college, or leave this out).
Before writing my original query I literally read every single Query Shark post. Not all the comments, but every post by the shark herself. It was like boot camp for querying. Then I wrote mine. She loved it. She’s only one agent, but I believe it helped.
Also Susan, thanks for weighing in on ReviewGate. Your analogy about restaurant critics and chefs was the first one that made sense to me. I’m still feeling stubborn, but thanks for the input. It makes a difference to hear it from someone I respect.
Susan
February 3, 2011 @ 1:41 pm
Thanks for the great suggestions, Katharine!
And AWWWWWW for saying you respect me. 😀 😀 I too still feel stubborn, BUT I’m really at a stage where I can’t argue about the reviews thing. I just *have* to do it. I think the further along in the process you get, the less you can resist this. 😛
Of course, you’ve never left bad reviews (maybe a few more critical ones, but not bashing), so I think you’re okay. 😉
Holly
February 3, 2011 @ 2:57 pm
I’m going to do in-line comments today. 🙂 BTW, have you read NIGHTSHADE by Andrea Creamer? It may make a good comp title.
Delaney is a teen werewolf and mother, on the run from her pack and its leader Sable, who’s also the father of her child. — I don’t think you really need this. It confused me a little, and the rest of your query really sets this up well anyway.
Deep in the woods of the Tyson County Forest[, cut the comma] live three packs [of werewolves]: the Solar, the Schulsia, and the Secchi. Delaney leads a content life as a Solar pack member until [one fateful night when(cut)] her home, the Solar Compound[add comma] is attacked [with fire (cut)] by an unknown enemy. Enter Sable: a charismatic rogue bearing promises to protect the traumatized Solar.[Give us a little more to go on for Sable. Where did he come from? Was he already part of their pack?] He wins the title of Pack Leader and forces Delaney to be his mate. She learns of his ties to the mysterious enemy, and her own bloodline connection to their schemes. [This last sentence is a little vague. Give some specifics.]
Scared and pregnant, Delaney runs away [burdened with the knowledge of her people’s violent past, and of being a dead Pack Leader’s daughter.(I think I’d cut this. All we really need to know is that she ran, I think :)] The city of Tyson provides a unique hiding place as she learns to assimilate with the human population. However, a struggle for regional dominance has broken out in the forest. As daughter to a Pack Leader, Delaney must come[s] to terms with that role [What exactly is expected of her? I don’t get a good sense of the stakes here] in order to unite the packs before history repeats itself , and they are all left in ruins.
RUN, DELANEY is a standalone [in change to with] a [series potential,] and I think it will attract fans of Annette Curtis Klaus’ werewolf novel BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE or Maggie Stiefvater’s WOLVES OF MERCY series . I’m a Los Angeles student and a member of YALITCHAT.org, working on my next novel. The manuscript is available upon request.
I hope that is helpful, and of course, they are only suggestions. Good luck!! 🙂
Susan
February 3, 2011 @ 11:13 pm
Thanks so much, Holly! Great feedback — as always. 🙂
Yahong
February 3, 2011 @ 10:30 pm
Howdy, beginner! (Not meant to be a disparaging comment. I believe I could call myself a beginner too. :)) And in case you didn’t know, I comment in [square brackets].
As such, I believe you’ll enjoy my 50,000 word YA urban fantasy novel RUN, DELANEY. Delaney is a teen werewolf and mother, on the run from her pack and its leader Sable, who’s also the father of her child.[I’m not sure that you should put the first line of the summary in the first paragraph; I think that doesn’t aid its purpose as a logline.]
Deep in the woods of the Tyson County Forest,[<kill that comma] live three packs: the Solar, the Schulsia, and the Secchi. Delaney leads a content life as a Solar pack member until one fateful night when her home, the Solar Compound[<add a comma] is attacked with fire by an unknown enemy. Enter Sable: a charismatic rogue bearing promises to protect the traumatized Solar. He wins the title of Pack Leader[just like that?] and forces Delaney to be his mate. She learns of his ties to the mysterious enemy, and her own bloodline connection to their schemes.
Scared and pregnant, Delaney runs away burdened with the knowledge of her people’s violent past, and of being a dead Pack Leader’s daughter.[I think you should put these details in the previous paragraph, as a last sentence] The city of Tyson provides a unique hiding place[what makes the city a unique hiding spot?] as she learns to assimilate with the human population. However, a struggle for regional dominance has broken out in the forest. As daughter to a Pack Leader, Delaney must comes to terms with that role in order to unite the packs before history repeats itself, and they are all left in ruins.
RUN, DELANEY is a standalone in a potential series and I think it will attract fans of Annette Curtis Klaus’ werewolf novel BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE or Maggie Stiefvater’s WOLVES OF MERCY series. I’m a Los Angeles student[I don't know that mentioning you're an LA student is necessary. You can say 'I'm a member of yalitchat.org and am currently working on my next novel' or even kill the 'am currently… next novel' if you want] and a member of YALITCHAT.org, working on my next novel. The manuscript is available upon request.
OVERALL: As Katharine said, the stakes don't seem very high, so you'll want to focus on the central conflict. Make sure the reader will care about what happens to the pack. As well, this will show how your story differs from the massive amount of werewolf/vampire/paranormal YA headbutting through the industry right now.
Good luck, and hope I haven't been too harsh.
PS: MAJOR thanks to Susan for holding this and critiquing them all individually too! Can't wait for the 'fails and wins' post. 😛
Susan
February 3, 2011 @ 11:13 pm
First of all, thank you Yahong for all your daily critiques! I appreciate you taking the time to do that. )
Second of all, you are VERY welcome! I had a lot of fun doing this. 😀
Katharine Owens
February 4, 2011 @ 1:51 am
OMG 100 followers! Sa-weet!
Susan
February 4, 2011 @ 2:08 am
I KNOW!!!! I’m so freaking excited!! 😀 😀
Laura Pauling
February 4, 2011 @ 2:19 am
Good job for putting your work out there! It’s the only way we can learn!
It looks like you’ve got a great story but I agree that you’ve skimmed over the central conflict. The query should cover her main goal and the core conflict of the story. The more specific details that show her character and her world the better. But not too many.
And remember you don’t have to cover the whole story up to the climax. Tease the reader up to the first major turning point and then throw in the high stakes. I also love reading the successful queries section at The Guide to Literary Agents blog. I like to read through them and then work on mine! Good luck!
Yahong
February 4, 2011 @ 2:27 am
Oh, yes! The Guide to Literary Agents blog is REALLY helpful. I recommend it to everyone – newbies and not-so-newbies, too. 🙂