Query Critique #9: The Devil’s Utopia
This week is Query Week on Let the Words Flow! We’re offering in-depth critiques from ourselves and several agents, so you’ll definitely want to stop by!
Today is we have my close friend Amanda Plavich at bat — the same lady who took my fabulous author photos (isn’t she a multitalented Renaissance gal?) , so please leave your thoughts in the comment section. If you anything rude, I will <insert horrible fate> you. Now go out and spread the word so Amanda can get tons of helpful feedback!
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Dear Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Adelaide’s existence is defined by her role: she’s a Forsaken, and as such must always serve the Cherished.
Her remote village in the rainforest was founded on the utopian ideals of Erich Schwartz and is still ruled by this charismatic, yet cruel man. The strict lines that have always separated the society blur for Adelaide when her assigned Cherished and best friend Felix confesses he loves her, despite the consequences. The Forsaken are forbidden to love, and the punishment for disobedience is death. Adelaide shouldn’t return Felix’s affections, but his admission introduces her to feelings she never thought she’d have. Turning them off now would feel like a kind of death.
Matters only worsen as Adelaide is sent to tend to an imprisoned outsider – a boy recently found wandering close to the village’s heavily guarded borders. With each word this strange boy speaks about the outside, a spark of rebellion grows in Adelaide’s heart — perhaps there is a world outside of the slavery and self-loathing she was born into. As Adelaide starts to see the full extent of Erich’s cruelty — violent abuse of prisoners and even unethical experiments conducted on the both Forsaken and Cherished — her desperation for salvation grows.
After the imprisoned outsider plants the idea of escape into her mind, Adelaide must decide if her autonomy and freedom are worth losing the life she’s always known — and also losing the boy she loves.
THE DEVIL’S UTOPIA is an 80,000-word YA dystopian novel based loosely on Nazi Josef Mengele’s rumored time in a Brazilian village post-World War II. I’ve pasted the first few pages below and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for taking the time to consider THE DEVIL’S UTOPIA and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
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Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! This is the second to last day of queries, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
February 2, 2011 @ 12:23 pm
This sounds like an interesting book! I always found those sort of utopian-cum-dystopian cults oddly fascinating. And also, Adelaide is an awesome name.
Numbers correspond to paragraph.
1. I’m having issues with this sentence. part of it is the use of passive voice right off the bat. But when I tried to shorten it to, “Sixteen-year-old Adelaide is a Forsaken, and as such she can only serve the Cherished.” it feels…off. I might suggest cutting that first line entirely.
2. Again, first line is all in passive voice. Maybe skip to the next. “But the remote village’s strict social strata begin to blur for Adelaide when her assigned Cherished, and best friend, Felix confesses he loves her.” I would cut the sentence there, otherwise it gets a little too overwhelming. Then, “Except the Forsaken are forbidden to love…” I like the last line of this paragraph a lot, but I’d cut “a kind of” and add “,too.”
3. Passive voice again in this first sentence. Maybe change to “Matters only worsen as Adelaide tends to an imprisoned outsider.” I’d cut the next sentence and move straight into “With each word this strange boy speaks, rebellion grows in Adelaide’s heart.” I would also cut the next (“perhaps there is..born into.”). See if you can’t thin the last sentence, too, leading it straight into the next paragraph.
4. The stakes aren’t really as oomphy as I think you’d hope. Though I cut a lot of her “dreaming of salvation” in my comments, I think the choice is pretty obvious. Be a slave or get freedom? It would be better if you could give us something good about the world in the query. Or emphasize why Felix wouldn’t go with her. Or the likelihood of death if she attempts said escape.
Overall though, I like this! I think it’s a cool idea, a bit of dystopia in either the present or the recent past (not sure which, based on paragraph #5). It shows a piece of history that could use more discussion, I think. And I bet the setting is totally rock-tastic.
😀
February 2, 2011 @ 12:40 pm
Thanks! I’ll work on all of the things you mentioned. I really appreciate the detail!
February 2, 2011 @ 6:03 pm
Thanks for the awesome feedback, K@! 😀
February 2, 2011 @ 1:12 pm
Amanda, I remember seeing your story somewhere. Maybe it was a first lines contest? Don’t know, but it intrigued me then, and I’m definitely intrigued now. I really like your premise.
Kat gave really great comments, so I’ll just add a couple of my thoughts.
I’d try to tighten and shorten your first sentence to make it stronger. Maybe: Sixteen-year-old Adelaide’s existence is defined by her role as a Forsaken, bound to serve the Cherished. Or even: Sixteen-year-old Adelaide is a Forsaken, forever bound to serve the Cherished.
I think going through and cutting out unnecessary words will really strengthen this query. Cut out your filter words, and that’ll make a big difference. 🙂
Good job!
February 2, 2011 @ 2:49 pm
Thanks! I’m changing stuff as the day goes by and these comments are so helpful!
February 2, 2011 @ 6:03 pm
Oooh, filter words! Nice spotting, Holly! 🙂
February 2, 2011 @ 2:39 pm
Amanda- what a cool concept. It’s fascinating on its own as a dystopian, but the ties to history really elevate it. The Nazi’s are such an interesting study of the horrid trade offs that happen when implementing someone’s idea of utopia.
I think the previous comments touch on a lot of the ways you can tighten this up. I tripped on just a few minor elements: filler words like “even”, or preceding verbs with “start to”. [Frex: As Adelaide starts to see the full extent of Erich’s cruelty, vs. As Adelaide sees the full extent of Erich’s cruelty.] I do that ALL the time myself, and recently picked up on it.
Though I didn’t think about it until Kat mentioned it, I do think you can raise the stakes here as to why on earth she would waffle about staying. It seems like a no-brainer. I am sure this is covered in the book, and it would be nice to get a sense of it here. Is it that she can’t leave/she’s a prisoner, or that it’s scary/dangerous to leave through the jungle, or is it that the cult leader has a hold over her… as is often the case in these situations.
Again, I’m sure you do this in the book,:0) but give us a little more of a hint of why here.
February 2, 2011 @ 2:50 pm
So very helpful, thank you! And yeah, I always have to edit out filler words. Blah!
And yes, I do explain that and it’s so hard to condense it into a query, isn’t it? lol Summaries and queries are the bane of my existence!
February 2, 2011 @ 6:04 pm
Thanks for the great suggestions, Katharine. 🙂
February 2, 2011 @ 4:12 pm
I love dystopian novels, and yours sounds really interesting. Kat has commented on a lot of the things I noticed about the query.
I just want to say that I actually really like the purpose of the first sentence, and wouldn’t recommend cutting it. However, I do think that it can be shorten to make it stronger — perhaps: “Sixteen-year-old Adelaide is born a Forsaken and lives only to serve the Cherished” — or something much better. 🙂
February 2, 2011 @ 5:42 pm
Thanks, lady! I’ve already tweaked that first sentence some, so hopefully it will work better now. Thanks!
February 2, 2011 @ 6:05 pm
Great idea about the first sentence, Emy. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
February 2, 2011 @ 6:37 pm
Hi, Amanda!! *waves furiously* As I started the query, I was like “haven’t I heard about this? Oh yeah, on Amanda’s website…” 😛 Sorry, sometimes I’m slow. Square brackets!
Sixteen-year-old Adelaide’s existence is defined by her role: she’s a Forsaken, and as such must always serve the Cherished.[I don’t think this is important enough/has high enough stakes to work as a logline]
Her remote village in the rainforest was founded on the utopian ideals of Erich Schwartz and is still ruled by this charismatic, yet cruel man. [as Kat mentioned, this first line is passive and contains no forward action.] The strict lines that have always separated the society blur for Adelaide when her assigned Cherished and best friend Felix confesses he loves her, despite the consequences.[I’d kill ‘despite the consequences’. It just… doesn’t fit, especially since you’re explaining the consequences in the following sentences.] The Forsaken are forbidden to love, and the punishment for disobedience is death. Adelaide shouldn’t return Felix’s affections, but his admission introduces her to feelings she never thought she’d have. Turning them off now would feel like a kind of death.[‘turning them off *now*’ doesn’t work IMO because he’s just confessed his love… in a query, time doesn’t pass like that. Also, does she really love him THAT much?]
Matters only worsen as Adelaide is sent to tend to an imprisoned outsider[Matters only worsen? In what way?]– a boy recently found wandering close to the village’s heavily guarded borders.[I think you can kill some of the description after the em dash: ‘recently found… borders’] With each word this strange boy speaks about the outside, a spark of rebellion grows in Adelaide’s heart[this is ‘matters worsening’? Sounds more like inner turmoil] — perhaps there is a world outside of the slavery and self-loathing she was born into.[I don’t like this sentence after the em dash, either] As Adelaide starts to see the full extent of Erich’s cruelty – violent abuse of prisoners and even unethical experiments conducted on the both Forsaken and Cherished –[I don’t think you need description of Erich’s cruelty] her desperation for salvation grows.
After the imprisoned outsider plants the idea of escape into her mind,[Hasn’t he already? Why do you have to say it again?] Adelaide must decide if her autonomy and freedom are worth losing the life she’s always known[I didn’t think she liked her life] – and also losing the boy she loves. [wait – who does she love? Felix or the outsider?]
THE DEVIL’S UTOPIA is an 80,000-word YA dystopian novel based loosely on Nazi Josef Mengele’s rumored time in a Brazilian village post-World War II. I’ve pasted the first few pages below and the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for taking the time to consider THE DEVIL’S UTOPIA and I look forward to hearing from you soon.[Just go ‘thank you for your time and consideration’.]
OVERALL: make the conflict concerning Adelaide clearer; as other commentators have mentioned, why doesn’t she just hightail it out of there? Plus, give the outsider a name (so we’re more familiar with him) and make it clear who Adelaide’s falling in love with. (Isn’t the stereotype that the girl falls in love with the guy who liberates her? That’s why I was expecting it to be the outsider, not Felix.) Also, the main conflict seems to be inside of Adelaide. As others have noted, the stakes aren’t quite as *oomphy* (thanks for the word choice, Kat :D) as external conflicts would have them.
And I did mention that ‘Forsaken’ sounds a bit cliché, right? Otherwise, the premise is fantastical! (Isn’t it wonderful that you can always rely on your premise to garner compliments? :))
February 2, 2011 @ 7:18 pm
Thanks for the feedback, Yahong! 🙂
I actually have to say I disagree with a lot of your comments. The logline is, in my opinion, a fantastic hook — it immediately sets the stage for the world/values Adelaide grew up with, the dystopian element, and the direction the story might be headed in.
I also think that Amanda should NOT name the outsider — or rather, she doesn’t *need* to. Too many names can get confusing, so it’s always best to use as few as possible. 🙂 Either way, Amanda, as with all critiques, take what you find helpful and leave what you don’t!
February 2, 2011 @ 9:57 pm
Thank you for taking the time to critique in such detail! I will definitely consider some of the things you’ve mentioned.
And thanks for your follow up, Susan. I’m pretty happy leaving the outsider unnamed at this point because I want the focus more on Felix and Adelaide at this point of their journey.
This experience has definitely given me a lot to think about!!
February 3, 2011 @ 4:21 am
Oomphy is a great word. As is oomph-ish. 😀
February 2, 2011 @ 7:51 pm
This is a very cool concept (and I love the name Adelaide!) 🙂
What I kept thinking while reading your query, though, was that it sounded almost more like a synopsis than a query. We’re getting lots of events kind of presented in order, and I feel like it would be a lot stronger if you could shorten it and punch it up by tightening paragraphs 2 and 3 a good deal.
I hope you don’t mind, but I was trying to say what I was thinking and not getting the right words, and it’s just way easier for me to do it this way, so I just messed with the order of things and cutting some stuff, and something like this is what I’d do:
Sixteen-year-old Adelaide’s existence is defined by her role: she’s a Forsaken, and as such must always serve the Cherished.
When her assigned Cherished and best friend Felix confesses he loves her, Adelaide begins to feel things she had never felt before, and that she shouldn’t feel– the Forsaken are forbidden to love, and the punishment for disobedience is death.
Matters only worsen as Adelaide is sent to tend to an imprisoned outsider – a boy found wandering close to her remote jungle village’s heavily guarded borders. With each word this strange boy speaks about the outside, a spark of rebellion grows in Adelaide’s heart. When she starts to realize the full extent of her society’s cruelty – violent abuse of prisoners and even unethical experiments conducted on the both Forsaken and Cherished – her desperation for salvation grows.
After the imprisoned outsider plants the idea of escape into her mind, Adelaide must decide if her autonomy and freedom are worth losing the life she’s always known – and also losing the boy she loves.
I think the first line and last line of the blurb (so paragraphs 1 and 4) are good, but this is more of how I’d structure the middle so as not to get bogged down in detail. (Of course, this is just like a 2 minute cut and paste, so feel free to ignore anything or everything!) 🙂 Good luck! It sounds very cool.
February 2, 2011 @ 9:58 pm
Thanks for taking the time to do that!
I guess I struggle in how to answer questions that arise without adding wordage. I’ll keep working on it. 🙂
February 3, 2011 @ 3:47 am
Yeah…that’s the really tricky part. But don’t stress. You’ve already got a REALLY strong query.
Most agents — though they definitely want to see The Perfect Query — are interested by the story more than the overall SNAP of the query (if that makes sense). So, because you do a great job showing how unique your story is while also hinting at the conflict to come, I think an agent will see past the “mistakes” to how awesome your story is. 🙂
February 2, 2011 @ 9:33 pm
Great dystopian concept. I think the first line does a good job presenting the premise of your story. And I think you did a great job telling the story. As in a synopsis. I think you tell almost the whole story up to the end. My suggestion is to try and stop after the inciting incident. But use the words to show your character and her situation with specific details. Make the story come alive and make us care, instead of revealing more of the story. Does that make sense? It wouldn’t hurt to try and see if it improves the impact your words have.
I think this story has a lot of potential and sounds fascinating! Good luck with it!
February 2, 2011 @ 9:58 pm
Thanks for your input!
February 3, 2011 @ 3:47 am
Thanks a lot for the suggestions, Laura! 🙂