Query Critique Day: Dreaming Up My Brother
♥ Time for some community feedback! ♥
Yahong Chi was the lucky second “winner” from March’s Query Day, and so her shiny, revised query is now ready for some group feedback!
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
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Dear [agent]:
Fourteen-year-old Georgia Castleforté knows the secrets dreams can yield. How could she not, with renowned shrinks as parents? But for Georgia to dream up a long-lost brother, now that’s pretty major; even more so when her parents brush her off and don’t even pull her into one of their “dream interpretation” sessions. Something’s up. Georgia’s determined to figure out if she actually does have a brother and, more importantly, why her parents wouldn’t want her to know.
But when the clues in her dream world show Georgia that her parents sacrificed her brother in a deal for something more dear to them than a human being, her beliefs and family foundations blow up beneath her. To get back any semblance of a whole family, Georgia must reverse the age-old consequences of an injustice made long ago— an injustice done by her very own parents. And that makes what happened to her brother— and why— all the more difficult to face.
DREAMING UP MY BROTHER, a contemporary young adult novel, is complete at 61,000 words.
I am a member of CANSCAIP (the Canadian Society of Children’s Authors, Illustrators & Performers). My work for children has been published in Skipping Stones, Zamoof! and Teen Voices. I am also a children’s book reviewer for CM: Canadian Review of Materials, What If? and Canadian Children’s Book News.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Regards,
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Let Yahong know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please!
AND…if you’re interested in partaking in Query Day, then GET READY. Submissions will go live NEXT MONDAY (April 4), and I’m ONLY TAKING 5 QUERIES THIS MONTH!!*
*It’s a busy month for me. Final revisions with HarperCollins for The Spirit-Hunters plus I’m wrapping up the first draft of Screechers…not to mention all the OTHER things (::cough, LIFE, cough::) happening. I promise we’ll get back to the full 10 when the madness dies down.
March 30, 2011 @ 9:45 am
First, I LOVE your MC’s name! This story sounds really intriguing, and something I’d definitely read. One thing that stuck out for me though is that the plot doesn’t really sound ‘contemporary’. I associate contemporary with realism, but to me, dreams aren’t ‘real’. I could see this categorized more as a ‘psychological thriller/suspense’ type thing? But, maybe that’s just me. Good luck, and thanks to Susan for doing this!
March 30, 2011 @ 10:59 am
Thanks for the feedback, Laura! 🙂
I agree that ‘contemporary’ doesn’t feel right… My first instinct was ‘paranormal’, but I’m totally making an assumption on that since you never actually mention paranormal stuff. Is it a YA psychological thriller? Or a YA suspense? Or a YA paranormal? Or something else?
March 30, 2011 @ 1:45 pm
Thank you, Laura! I’m having issues with my genre, too (which has NEVER happened to me before, so I’m screaming in frustration). It’s got elements of fantasy (in the dreams, duh) but aside from that, it’s all realism…. 🙁
March 30, 2011 @ 2:32 pm
Magic realism?
March 30, 2011 @ 5:19 pm
I was considering that… do you think it’s a good fit?
March 30, 2011 @ 12:00 pm
I think this is a fantastic query in that it makes me want to get answers to the questions that pile up as I get to the end of it, like, what could be more dear to them than their own children? What’s this injustice that was done? And I love the MC’s name as well!
The only thing that’s missing for me is just the tiniest insight into what Georgia’s “normal world” is like. All we know is that she’s 14 and her parents are shrinks, so maybe just adding in an adjective or two about what her life is like before these crazy dreams start. But regardless of that, I totally want to read this!
March 30, 2011 @ 12:39 pm
Thanks for the great critique–you make a good point, Cheyenne! And yay! I’m so glad you’d want to read Yahong’s novel based on the query! 🙂
March 30, 2011 @ 1:46 pm
That’s a very good point you make, Cheyenne! More focus on her “normal world” would round things out. Thank so much!
March 30, 2011 @ 2:37 pm
Only thing I’d add is some “showing” of the parents’ reaction. At this point, I’m not sure if Georgia is just being oversensitive thinking her parents are really hiding something form her or what (though that wouldn’t make for a very satisfying story, would it? :P) So instead of just “telling” us her parents brush her off (which is actually pretty normal in this situation, I’d think, lol), maybe mention something suspicious they do that will convince the reader that something is really up? Maybe Georgia sees a flicker of sadness on their faces before they tuck it away again. Maybe she sees one of them hiding an old photograph….something that really raises those “something’s going on!” flags in the reader’s mind 🙂
Otherwise, though, great query!
March 30, 2011 @ 2:39 pm
Thanks for the comment, Kat–that’s a really good idea and not something I’d considered.
Gracias for gracing us with your rockstar presence too. 😉
March 30, 2011 @ 5:12 pm
Oooh, good tip. I can see what you mean about the MC just plain overreacting, LOL 😀
Thank you, Kat!!
March 30, 2011 @ 5:15 pm
This sounds really really interesting and I agree with the above comments with just one addition: I feel like I read the combination of “her parents” a lot in the query and the phrase just stood out a little jarringly when I saw it so much…maybe there’s something else thag can be substituted for one or two of them?
March 30, 2011 @ 9:42 pm
Okay, so too much of “her parents”? Thanks for catching that! I’ll think about that. Thank you, Adeeti!
March 30, 2011 @ 5:52 pm
Your book sounds fantastic! And I think this is a really good query. I’d agree to maybe call it magic realism, and I’d suggest just one tweak: I don’t think you need the final sentence – ‘And that makes what happened to her brother— and why — all the more difficult to face.’ I’d just take that out.
Good luck!
March 30, 2011 @ 9:47 pm
Oh, so you think the line before that — “an injustice done by her very own parents” — is a good enough closing line? Hmm… I’ll think about that.
March 30, 2011 @ 10:33 pm
This story sounds great, Yahong! I’m so curious about who her parents sacrificed her brother to. Here are a few suggestions:
In the following sentence, I’d replace the semicolon with either a comma or a dash since a semicolon sets off two complete sentences.
But for Georgia to dream up a long-lost brother, now that’s pretty major; even more so when her parents brush her off and don’t even pull her into one of their “dream interpretation” sessions.
In the following phrase, I’d change “actually does have” to “actually has” to just tighten it up. I don’t think you need the “does” there because actually implies the same sense of uncertainty.
she actually does have a brother
I really like the way that paragraph ends, but I think you might be able to make it more powerful by replacing “wouldn’t want her to know” with something stronger, like why her parents hid the truth … or lied … or something.
I agree with others that you can probably drop the last sentence (And that makes what happened to her brother…). But I also feel like the sentence before could be more specific.
That is, how will she reverse the consequences? Will she travel to a mysterious city? Bargain with the devil? Sacrifice herself? Etc. At this point I’m not clear what her concrete goal is (though you’ve done a good job of getting into her internal goals). Along that line… do her parents know she knows? Is there a conflict there? Or are they oblivious?
Overall, you have a great query here. Hope my comments help!
March 31, 2011 @ 2:50 pm
Wow, Tracey, thanks for those super-specific cmoments! I can see I need to tighten up the query and be more concise and specific. Thank you!!
March 31, 2011 @ 5:41 am
Your book sounds great- I’m totally intrigued! I think this query is pretty darn good, but it could use a little tweaking here and there.
I loved her name right off the bat and I think it makes a great first impression– makes me want to know more about her. In the third sentence you use a semicolon and the word “even” twice. I think if you rework that a little it would tighten it for a smoother read. I agree with Kat that it might be good to show more about why she believes her parents are hiding this from her– she dreams it, yes- but what makes her take the leap to the idea that it could actually be true?
I love the line “Something’s up.” your voice really shines through there and you say so much in just two words.
I also agree that the last line (“And that makes what happened to her brother…”) could be dropped.
Lastly, and I could be totally wrong here– but I’m not loving the title. I like it – but I don’t love it. In my opinion it doesn’t do your awesome story justice. Perhaps it could be tightened to just a few keys words with punch- like *something* DREAMER or DREAM *something* or DREAMS OF *something* > sorry I’m blanking and don’t think I know your story well enough to really brainstorm here, but I think a kick-butt title would take this query from good to stellar.
Overall I was impressed with what you’ve got going here! Best of luck Yahong
March 31, 2011 @ 2:54 pm
Okay, clearly I need to tighten my query! 😛 Thank you for those notes, Happy. I’ll try and brainstorm some better titles, too. 😀