Query Critique Day: Magnetic
♥ Time for some community feedback! ♥
Jeanmarie Anaya is the first lucky “winner” from May’s Query Day, and so her shiny, revised query is now ready for some group feedback!
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
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Dear __________:
I enjoyed hearing you speak at the Backspace Agent-Author Seminar in November on the topic of recent trends in the YA market. You mentioned you were interested in paranormal YA. I hope my novel, MAGNETIC, will fit your list.
If seventeen year-old Carly Reynolds can get her ass to class, she could graduate high school, escape her mundane life, and put that rock star image of hers to good use. But perfect attendance ranks pretty low on the priority list when random strangers stalk her every move—including at school. Having groupies would ordinarily be a good thing for an aspiring musician, but not when the groupies look like corpses. When one of them attacks her in the girls’ locker room, Carly decides the word “victim” is not in her vocabulary and goes on the hunt for answers.
Finding sexy, college physics major and certified brainiac, Javier, seems like a perfect stroke of luck. Thanks to a weakened electromagnetic field, Javier is a paranormal medium who knows all about her stalkers. They call themselves the Diagora—soul stealers intent on killing every medium on earth and consuming their spiritual energy. And get this—Javier insists Carly’s a medium, too. A gene inherited from her dead grandmother. The Diagora have already taken her grandmother’s soul. Carly is their next target.
With Javier’s unwavering support, she vows to keep herself alive and be the hero who frees her grandmother’s soul. Stuck in the middle of a centuries-old battle with the Diagora that threatens the fate of all mediums and even ordinary humans, Carly stands to lose everything she never even knew she wanted—her normal life, her afterlife and Javier.
MAGNETIC is a standalone novel with series potential, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Lee Nichols’ DECEPTION for its similar storylines involving the spirit world and dark family secrets.
Thank you for considering my novel. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
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Let Jeanmarie know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please!
May 9, 2011 @ 9:38 am
Hey Jeanmarie! Here are a few suggestions for improvement – they should appear in [brackets] beside your original text.
Dear __________:
I enjoyed hearing you speak at the Backspace Agent-Author Seminar in November on the topic of recent trends in the YA market. You mentioned you were interested in paranormal YA. I hope my novel, MAGNETIC, will fit your list.
If seventeen year-old [seventeen-year-old] Carly Reynolds [could] get her ass to class, she [might] graduate high school, escape her mundane life, and put that rock star image of hers [“that rockstar image of hers” is very vague; doesn’t give us a good idea of what you’re talking about – more specific/colorful term?] to good use. But perfect attendance ranks pretty low on the priority list when random strangers stalk her every move—[even] at school. Having groupies would ordinarily be a good thing [“be a good thing” is wordy and vague – more colorful term?] for an aspiring musician, but not when [they] look like corpses. When one of them [does Carly have a nickname for these “corpse-groupies” in the novel (before it’s revealed to her what they actually are, I mean)? could be as simple as “monsters” or as specific as “Creepy Things” – would add color to this sentence and take out some repetition] attacks her in the girls’ locker room, Carly decides the word “victim” is not in her vocabulary[.] [“and goes on the hunt for answers” I would construct this into its own kick-ass sentence – right now it’s kind of anti-climatic – what does she actually do next in order to find the answers? How can you construct that sentence into a way that will make the agent read how she actually does it?]
Finding sexy [delete: “college”] physics major and certified brainiac Javier [delete:commas] seems like a perfect stroke of luck [I haven’t heard the phrase “a perfect stroke of luck” before…maybe take out that phrase all together, since it’s a little tired, and reword?]. Thanks to a weakened electromagnetic field [this doesn’t really explain very much – I would either explain it better, or take this out], Javier is a paranormal medium [cool] who knows all about her stalkers. They call themselves the Diagora — soul[-]stealers intent on killing every medium on earth [in order to] [consume] their spiritual energy [hmm, would this be energy or energies, since it’s “their”? – stupid grammar]. And get this [that’s cute, shows a lot of voice]—Javier insists Carly’s a medium, too, [because of a] gene inherited from her dead grandmother. The Diagora have already taken her grandmother’s soul. Carly is their next target. [This last few sentences are a little like an information-dump – meditate on it and see if you can make them a little snappier.]
With Javier’s unwavering support, she vows to keep herself alive and be the hero who frees her grandmother’s soul. Stuck in the middle of a centuries-old battle with the Diagora that threatens the fate of all mediums and even ordinary humans [Whoa, that’s a big chunk of information! Cut it down – I might take out everything after “Diagora”], Carly stands to lose everything she never even knew she wanted—her normal life, her afterlife and Javier.
MAGNETIC is a standalone novel with series potential, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Lee Nichols’ DECEPTION for its similar storylines [Is this a positive thing?] involving the spirit world and dark family secrets.
Thank you for considering my novel. I look forward to hearing from you.
[Nice! Hope my nit-picky comments helped a bit. 🙂 Good luck!]
May 9, 2011 @ 3:49 pm
Thanks for the in-depth feedback, Jules!! 🙂
May 9, 2011 @ 8:08 pm
Yes, thank you, Jules! I appreciate the suggestions.
May 9, 2011 @ 8:16 pm
Hi Jeanmarie-
I think you’ve got a pretty good query here- and Jules really covered most of what I would say, I love her suggestions. Maybe just a couple more ideas for you to consider:
The Diagora have already taken her grandmother’s soul [and] Carly is their next target. (I’m thinking just connecting these two sentences might take care of the problem- but maybe a little more brainstorming here)
With Javier’s unwavering support, she vows to keep herself alive and [free the (stolen?) soul of her grandmother.] (You said ‘grandmother’s soul’ in the sentence before this, so I think you need to reword it somehow)
[Now] stuck in the middle of a centuries-old battle with the Diagora,
(after this, I agree with Jules that it becomes too long. I think you could brainstorm this last sentence and find a way to fit in the part about threatening the fate of mediums and humans- split it into two maybe.)
Also, I would try to fit the word ‘magnetic’ into the query as a description or something? so we can see how that word ties in with your paranormal story.
I was really digging to help here 🙂 you have a nice query and your story sounds great! Good Luck to you!
May 9, 2011 @ 9:35 pm
Thanks so much, Happy! Nice suggestions! 😀
May 9, 2011 @ 9:23 pm
I just wanted to say that I think this query has great voice! I can totally picture how Carly will sound in the book, and that definitely hooks me. I agree that it would be cool if you could work in the word ‘magnetic’ somehow, but other than that, great job!
May 9, 2011 @ 9:36 pm
I thought the same–doesn’t the voice just leap off the page? I think this story sounds GREAT!!
Thanks for the comment, Laura!!
May 10, 2011 @ 4:12 am
Thanks for the comments, everyone! I’ve worked so hard at getting that voice in there, so it feels good to hear that it comes across as I intended.
And Happy, great suggestions. Those were spots that I had reservations about, too, so it cements my thoughts that I should change it up.
Thanks again!