Query Critique Day: This Year Sucks
♥ Time for some community feedback! ♥
MaryAnn Kempher is the second lucky “winner” from May’s Query Day, and so her shiny, revised query is now ready for some group feedback!
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
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Dear Agent,
I believe my book and what you are currently looking for may be a perfect match because <insert reason why>. THIS YEAR SUCKS has 60,000 words and is romantic suspense.
If not for a sleepless night and an empty pantry, Katherine might never have seen a killer and his victim. She didn’t get a good look at him, but he doesn’t know that. Now she’s a hunted woman.
Katherine is an ordinary twenty-something still recovering from her soon-to-be ex-husband’s betrayal. She’ll do anything to avoid ever feeling again the pain he’s caused her. She decides a nice long break from men is in order, that is until she meets Scott O’Brian, now she’s not so sure.
After being in the wrong place at the wrong time, it seems like a strange coincidence that she’s suddenly become very popular with the opposite sex. There’s Michael, a man from her past who returns ready to sweep her off her feet; her building’s new maintenance man Jack, who’s an outrageous flirt and seems suspiciously around every corner she turns; and of course Scott, who she met in her writing class and who’s quickly becoming her best friend. All three men are deadly charming, but is one just deadly?
Now, in between near-death experiences that include ruthlessly being run off a mountain road and all but being pushed down a flight of stairs, she reluctantly realizes she’s fallen in love, but the love of her life just might be a killer. There’s more here at stake than Katherine’s heart, if she’s not careful, she’ll end up dead.
I’m an active member of Romance Writers of America, and you can learn more about me on my website, http://mkempher.com.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Let MaryAnn know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please!
AND…if you’re interested in partaking in the next Query Day, then GET READY. Submissions will go live on Monday, June 6 at 5:00 PM EDT, and submissions will close after I’ve received 10 queries. ♥
May 27, 2011 @ 9:57 am
Hey MaryAnn! Congratulations on the completion of your novel! What an accomplishment! Here are some suggestions for your query letter. They should be in [brackets] next to the error/sentence in question.
Dear Agent,
I believe my book and what you are currently looking for may be a perfect match because . [Awkwardly constructed sentence. Maybe you should look at other query letters and see how they started theirs? I think it’s better if you take someone else’s good wording for a beginning than have it be awkward in your own words, you know?] THIS YEAR SUCKS has 60,000 words and is romantic suspense. [Again, awkwardly constructed sentence. Try to make it flow – verbs like “is” in that context make it sound stilted. Maybe refer to my suggestion above, looking how other people have worded it?]
If not for a sleepless night and an empty pantry, Katherine might never have seen a killer and his victim. She didn’t get a good look at him, but he doesn’t know that. Now she’s a hunted woman. [I like your idea of introducing the main intrigue of the plot before going into the requisite background info of the next paragraph, but this is a LOT to process without any context! Since we haven’t been following her story, I feel confused why an empty pantry would make Katherine see the killer. A sleepless night is a more universal reason for being out and about. But I’m really not sure it’s even worth mentioning here – I think the opening might be stronger without it. What if it were more like “Katherine didn’t get a good look at the killer standing in her dotty neighbor’s backyard – she was too distracted by the awkward angle of the old woman’s neck and the stranger’s steady hands as he pushed the bone saw. But judging by the pig heart in her mailbox and dead puppies hanging in her tree, the tiny glimpse the killer got of her was enough to make Katherine a hunted woman.” Obviously I made all of that info up, but do you see how something along those lines makes a more interesting opening? You’re showing the agent that you can write, because it’s image-heavy, and also giving her a feel for the novel.]
Katherine is an ordinary twenty-something still recovering from her soon-to-be ex-husband’s betrayal. [Soon-to-be ex- is a bit much – I think just “husband” is fine here, and we’ll add the divorce details a little later.] She’ll do anything to avoid ever feeling again the pain he’s caused her [“feeling the pain he’s caused her again”?]. [After the divorce papers are signed,] she decides a nice long break from men is in order[.] [T]hat is until [in a weird twist, after witnessing such a gruesome murder, Katherine suddenly becomes popular with the opposite sex.
There’s Michael, a man from her past who returns ready to sweep her off her feet; her building’s new maintenance man[,] Jack, who’s an outrageous flirt and seems [to be] around every corner she turns [you don’t want to say “suspiciously” – you want the reader to figure out that it’s suspicious for themselves, even in a query]; and [give a brief description, couple adjectives – sweet? intuitive? brilliant? introspective?] Scott [from her writing class] who’s quickly becoming her best friend. All three men are deadly charming, but [could] one [of them be] just deadly?
[In] between near-death experiences [- being run off mountain roads and pushed down flights of stairs -] [Katherine realizes] she’s fallen in love. [But could the love of her life be her neighbor’s demented killer?] There’s more here at stake than Katherine’s heart, and if she’s not careful, she’ll end up dead. [Strong ending!]
I’m an active member of Romance Writers of America, and you can learn more about me on my website, http://mkempher.com.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
[Great job, MaryAnn! My main suggestions, other than a few adverbs here and there, are to beef it up a bit – it’s a bit dry right now, bare bones. Give it some literary meat! You definitely don’t have to word anything the way I did, though, I just thought I’d leave you with some examples. Good luck!]
May 27, 2011 @ 10:15 am
Wow! Thanks for the very thorough and helpful critique, Jules!! <3
May 27, 2011 @ 7:23 pm
Thank you very much for your input. I really really appreciate it.
May 27, 2011 @ 10:33 pm
Hi, MaryAnn! Jules gave some great feedback. The only thing I’ll add to her comments is to be weary of rhetorical questions. I, personally, don’t think they’re really needed here, and can sometimes turn agents off. I’d suggest taking the question and turning into a statement.
Example:
Instead of, “All three men are deadly charming, but is one just deadly?”
You could say, “All three men are deadly charming, but one of them may be just plain deadly.”
Also be careful about telling (Katherine is an ordinary twenty-something) and -ly words.
Good luck! It sounds like a page-turner. 🙂
May 27, 2011 @ 10:34 pm
Great suggestions!! Thanks a lot, Holly. 😀
May 27, 2011 @ 11:38 pm
Revised. If you have time, let me know what you think.
If not for a sleepless night and an empty pantry, Katherine might never have left her cozy apartment to walk to a nearby diner, and she would not have seen a killer and his latest victim. She didn’t get a good look at him, but he doesn’t know that. Now she’s a hunted woman.
Katherine is an attractive twenty-something still recovering from her husband’s betrayal. She’ll do anything to avoid ever feeling the pain he’s caused her again. She decides a nice long break from men is in order, that is until she meets Scott O’Brian, now she’s not so sure.
After being in the wrong place at the wrong time it seems like a strange coincidence that she’s suddenly become very popular with the opposite sex. There’s Michael, a ridiculously handsome a man from her past who returns ready to sweep her off her feet, her building’s new maintenance man, Jack, who’s an outrageous flirt, and around every corner she turns, and of course Scott whose boyish charm is threatening Katherine’s no-men-allowed resolve. All three men are deadly charming, but one of them just might be deadly too.
In between near-death experiences that include ruthlessly being run off a mountain road and all but being pushed down a flight of stairs, she reluctantly realizes she’s fallen in love, but is the love of her life a killer. There’s more here at stake than Katherine’s heart, if she’s not careful, she’ll end up dead.
Risky Romance is a 60,000-word romantic suspense.
Ms Agent, I’ve created my own website, mkempher.com, started a blog, and I’m an active member of Romance Writers of America.
June 1, 2011 @ 9:48 am
Maryann – it’s definitely snappier than it was before, I like it, but you still have some grammatical errors. This time I’ll just correct those instead of going into the content of the query:
If not for a sleepless night and an empty pantry, Katherine might never have left her cozy apartment to walk to a nearby diner, and she would not have seen a killer and his latest victim [bit long – try cutting this sentence down, especially since it’s the first one]. She didn’t get a good look at him, but he doesn’t know that. Now she’s a hunted woman.
Katherine is an attractive twenty-something still recovering from her husband’s betrayal. She’ll do anything to avoid ever feeling the pain he’s caused her again. She decides a nice long break from men is in order [-] that is until she meets Scott O’Brian[.] [N]ow she’s not so sure.
After being in the wrong place at the wrong time it seems like a strange coincidence that she’s suddenly become [take out very] popular with the opposite sex. There’s Michael, a ridiculously handsome a man from her past who returns ready to sweep her off her feet, her building’s new maintenance man, Jack, who’s an outrageous flirt, and around every corner she turns, and of course Scott whose boyish charm is threatening Katherine’s no-men-allowed resolve. [This sentence is way too long. I didn’t really like the semi-colons in the previous version, but the commas just don’t work at all. I’d cut out some of the adjectives and make the sentence snappier, or find a way to make the sentence separate.] All three men are deadly charming, but one of them just [be plain deadly.]
In between near-death experiences [I’d take out these examples – they’d definitely be more interesting in context, just listing them is kind of boring], [Katherine] [take out reluctantly] realizes she’s fallen in love [- which would make her ecstatic, if she didn’t half-suspect her lover was a killer]. There’s more here at stake than Katherine’s heart, [and] if she’s not careful, she’ll end up dead.
That’s a brief edit, anyway. 🙂 I’d recommend sending it to a few more critique partners after you make these changes. Good luck!
June 1, 2011 @ 10:11 am
Thanks so much, Jules! I really appreciate you putting in so much effort to help MaryAnn! 😀
June 2, 2011 @ 4:43 am
You’re quite welcome, Sooz! It’s my pleasure.
June 2, 2011 @ 4:45 am
Oh, and MaryAnn, it should read “one of them MIGHT be just plain deadly.” Messed that one up!
June 2, 2011 @ 3:34 pm
Thanks to all of you who gave suggestions. They were all very helpful. Thanks Susan for this opportunity.
MaryAnn