Query Critique Day: Thirst
Time for some community feedback!
It’s that time again!!
Time for you all to help me out by critiquing a shiny, revised query that has been wrung through the Query Day wringer.
For June, we have our second lucky “winner”, Katharine Owens (a.k.a. The Insect Collector).
As always, be HELPFUL, be gentle, and leave your comments below.
~~~
Dear Agent that I have researched and found is a great match for me,
Sixteen-year-old Nile coasts through life in Camp Hope, the interim community built by the survivors of a massive climate shift. He’s almost finished with career training and head over heels for his girlfriend. Life is good.
His twin sister, Lena, however, has never fit in. But it’s not like there’s another option! The whole world is covered by drylands after the shift, so where the heck else can she try to make a life for herself?
Camp Hope is led by Triumvirate Enterprises, the only group with the resources to save humankind when global governments failed. After twenty long years, the Tri is one month away from launching a sustainable City that will offer security, hope for the future, and most importantly, water.
Then the twins’ upstanding-citizen-of-a-father is arrested under trumped-up charges. To save themselves from the same fate as their father, Nile and Lena must flee Camp with nothing more than backpacks and a coded note as a guide.
After fighting dehydration and death to cross the drylands, the twins find a renegade settlement. As they settle into their new lives, Nile discovers their father’s nearing execution date. He decides he must do whatever it takes to save him— even if it means returning to Camp.
Lena, who has finally found a place she fits in, refuses to join him—that is until she learns that the Tri’s plan was never about building a city for everyone. In reality, the lower castes will be slaughtered before the new City launches.
Now the twins must rescue their father and save their entire community from annihilation and they only have forty-eight hours do it.
THIRST is told in alternating points of view of Nile and Lena. This dystopian young adult novel may appeal to readers who enjoyed Scott Westerfeld’s UGLIES or Veronica Roth’s DIVERGENT, and is complete at 80,000 words.
I am querying you because [insert specific reason here]. This is a multiple submission. THIRST is a stand-alone novel with series potential.
Thank you for your time,
~~~
Let Katharine know what you think of her query letter in the comments, please!
Jules
July 6, 2011 @ 9:30 am
Dear Agent that I have researched and found is a great match for me,
Sixteen-year-old Nile coasts through life in Camp Hope, [an] interim community built by the survivors of a massive climate shift. He’s almost finished with career training and head over heels for his girlfriend [parallelism in this sentence is a little awkward – consider rephrasing]. Life is good.
His twin sister, Lena, [take out “however”] has never fit in. But it’s not like there’s another option! The whole world is covered by drylands after the shift, so where [I personally feel like “the heck” is overkill, but it could just be me :)] else can she try to make a life for herself?
Camp Hope is led by Triumvirate Enterprises, the only group with the resources to save humankind when global governments failed. After twenty long years, the Tri is one month away from launching a sustainable City that will offer security, hope for the future, and most importantly, water.
Then the twins’ upstanding-citizen-of-a-father is arrested under trumped-up charges. To save themselves from the same fate as their father, Nile and Lena must flee Camp with nothing more than backpacks and a coded note as a guide.
After fighting dehydration and death to cross the drylands, the twins find a renegade settlement. As they settle into their new lives, Nile discovers their father’s [looming] execution date. He decides [to] do whatever it takes to save him — even if it means returning to Camp.
Lena, who has finally found a place she fits in, refuses to join him — that is until she learns that the Tri’s plan was never [to build] a city for everyone. [take out “in reality”] The lower castes would be slaughtered [by whom?] before the new City launches. [The introduction of the lower castes confuses me – are Lena and Nile part of the lower castes? Maybe briefly describe the Camp’s caste system as a reason they left?]
Now the twins must rescue their father and save their entire community from annihilation [-] and they only have forty-eight hours do it.
THIRST is told in [the] alternating points of view of Nile and Lena. This dystopian young adult novel may appeal to readers who enjoyed Scott Westerfeld’s UGLIES or Veronica Roth’s DIVERGENT, and is complete at 80,000 words.
I am querying you because [insert specific reason here]. This is a multiple submission. THIRST is a stand-alone novel with series potential.
Thank you for your time,
Katharine
[I love this query! I totally want to read this book. I guess the only two things I’d suggest are for you to go through and make sure all the information you have pertains to what you’re introducing in the query – and then add information in the beginning that will help the transition to the end. I found myself wondering about the caste system, as well as why Lina and Nile had to leave the Camp – it wasn’t made clear. Secondly, I’m not sure your addition of voice for Lina worked that well. I think that your plot is interesting enough that to have a single paragraph in the query in Lina’s voice is just distracting. So, either insert more voice, or keep it in a cool narrator’s tone – both would work well!
Really great work. Best of luck!
Susan
July 6, 2011 @ 1:59 pm
Awesome, awesome! GREAT suggestions, Jules!! Thank you so much! <3
Laura Hughes
July 6, 2011 @ 10:38 am
Wow, Katharine, this sounds AWESOME!! You had me hooked with the title already. I can’t find much that I would change; THIRST sounds like conflict galore. However, I think I agree with Jules with respect to the first paragraph about Lina. It is a bit distracting. Don’t get me wrong, I like her voice and think it sounds like a teenage girl, but I don’t think it goes with the rest of the tone of the query. I can’t wait to see this one on the shelf!
Susan
July 6, 2011 @ 1:58 pm
Thanks so much for the feedback, Laura!! <3
katharine owens
July 6, 2011 @ 12:03 pm
Jules and Laura- thanks for the feedback, this is so helpful! I love getting a new perspective.
One issue we battled with constantly in this query was LENGTH– it’s already a little long.
Your feedback is great– I will ponder how to emphasize caste/why they must leave, and also rethink Lena’s voice in the query.
Again– thank you! really great!
Susan
July 6, 2011 @ 1:58 pm
And of course, the voice thing is MY fault. 😉 So you can easily fix that!! YAY! Great query, Kat.
Meredith
July 6, 2011 @ 3:08 pm
Katharine, this is really strong! It sounds like a great (and timely!) story. I don’t really have line edits per se, just two general comments.
First, the paragraph about Lena not fitting in doesn’t flow with the rest of the query. The rest of the query sets up this conflict-laden, thiller-esque story, and then that paragraph reads very light and even comical, what with the exclamation points and “What the heck”s.
Second, I think you give away too much of the story, especially the twist about the Camp leaders’ true intentions. You don’t need to be that detailed, and, IMO, you don’t want to be. In a similar vein, I think you’re bordering on having a length issue, so if you cut down on some of the details, you’ll be better off. For example, I don’t think you even need to get into the renegade settlement bit. The important part is that the twins flee but then make the choice to go back to save their father when they find out the leaders’ true intentions. You know?
In all, I think this is a super strong query. Great job!
katharine owens
July 6, 2011 @ 6:27 pm
Great comments Meredith, very helpful. I so see what you mean about Lena’s voice.
I also like your suggestions about cutting back- YAY– thanks so much!
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 4:38 am
Thanks for the great suggestions, Mer!!
Holly
July 6, 2011 @ 3:29 pm
I agree with Meredith here, I think this is more synopsis level than query level. Pull back some and I think this will hold even more of a punch.
But *squee* because I’m so excited about this story!
katharine owens
July 6, 2011 @ 6:28 pm
It will be coming to an inbox near you any day now, Holly!
Great feedback, really helpful. I can’t wait to make these changes!
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 4:38 am
It’s an AWESOME premise, isn’t it!? Thanks for the feedback, Holly. 😀
Meagan Spooner
July 6, 2011 @ 5:58 pm
I have to say the number one thing that jumped out at me (that others have already pointed to, I’m sure) was length. I tend to skim queries, because I’m guessing that’s what agents do, and my eyes started to glaze a bit after the first few paragraphs when I hadn’t gotten to a story yet. Which is not to say it isn’t interesting, because it is! I’m assuming the Tri corporation is the bad guy, so I feel like they either need to be linked with that in the query or cut completely, because without that link, why do we care? You only have a few precious seconds to grab an agent’s attention, unforutnately! I’ve pasted a suggestion for how you could cut it below–feel free to completely ignore! I’m sure I’ve gotten some details wrong, and of course your own voice is the most important thing, but… just an idea of how to make it a little tighter and snappier. 🙂
_____
Sixteen-year-old twins Nile and Lena have grown up knowing nothing other than life in Camp Hope, the interim community established after a devastating climate shift leaves the once-fertile countryside a wasteland. Led by massive corporation Triumverate Enterprises, Camp has barely enough water and resources to get by.
When the twins’ upstanding-citizen-of-a-father is arrested [by Tri?] under trumped-up charges, Nile and Lena must flee the safety of Camp with nothing more than backpacks and a coded note as a guide. The alternative: face the same fate as their father.
After fighting dehydration and death to cross the drylands, the twins find a renegade settlement. As they settle into their new lives, Nile and Lena discover that Tri is not as benevolent as it claims to be and that their father is facing execution.
Now the twins must rescue their father and save their entire community from annihilation and they only have forty-eight hours do it.
THIRST is told in alternating points of view of Nile and Lena. This dystopian young adult novel may appeal to readers who enjoyed Scott Westerfeld’s UGLIES or Veronica Roth’s DIVERGENT, and is complete at 80,000 words.
I am querying you because [insert specific reason here]. This is a multiple submission. THIRST is a stand-alone novel with series potential.
Thank you for your time,
Katharine
katharine owens
July 6, 2011 @ 6:29 pm
So helpful Megan, thank you! Glazing over is to be avoided at all costs. :0)
I love your comments- really useful!
Meagan Spooner
July 7, 2011 @ 1:53 am
Hee, true! But I don’t mean that in a “this is totally boring way” just in a “If I were skimming, it’s a bit too long” way, you know? I loooove the premise. It’s a book I would definitely read!
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 4:38 am
Wow! Thanks for the great ideas, Meg! I really appreciate how in-depth you got! <3
Katy Upperman
July 6, 2011 @ 7:16 pm
This is fantastic, Kat! I tried my best to condense it a bit because it seemed rather long and there was some info that didn’t seem crucial to the query. This story sounds awesome–best of luck!
Sixteen-year-old Nile coasts through life in Camp Hope, the interim community built by the survivors of a massive climate shift. He’s almost finished with career training and head over heels for his girlfriend (you never mention the girlfriend again–is she important enough to be included in the query?). His twin sister, Lena, however, has never fit in at Camp Hope. But it’s not like there’s another option–the whole world is covered by drylands, so where else can she try to make a life for herself?
Camp Hope is led by Triumvirate Enterprises, the only group with the resources to save humankind. After twenty long years, the Tri is one month away from launching a sustainable City that will offer security, hope for the future, and most importantly, water. (I’m wondering here if Niles and his family are a shoo-in to be a part of the new City? Are they looking forward to living there?)
Then the twins’ father is arrested under trumped-up charges. To save themselves from their father’s fate, Nile and Lena must flee Camp and, after a grueling trip across the drylands, they find a renegade settlement. As they settle into their new lives, Nile gets words of their father’s nearing execution date. He decides he must do whatever it takes to save him—even if it means returning to Camp. Lena, who has finally found a place she fits in, refuses to join him—that is until she learns that the Tri’s plan was never about building a city for everyone (how does she learn this?). In reality, the lower castes will be slaughtered before the new City launches. (I’m curious about this… why? How?)
Now the twins must rescue their father and save their entire community from annihilation and they only have forty-eight hours do it. Great stakes and sense of urgency here!)
THIRST is told in the alternating points of view of Nile and Lena. This dystopian young adult novel may appeal to readers who enjoyed Scott Westerfeld’s UGLIES or Veronica Roth’s DIVERGENT, and is complete at 80,000 words. (Great comps!)
katharine owens
July 6, 2011 @ 8:28 pm
thanks Katy! This is really fantastic! I can’t wait to incorporate all this feedback into the final version!
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 4:39 am
Thank you so very much for the feedback, Katy!! 😀
Alicia Gregoire
July 6, 2011 @ 10:18 pm
Thirst sounds fantastic. From what I know about the novel I think your comp titles work real well. I agree with Meredith and Holly about it being more like a synopsis than a query. I’d eliminate the paragraph explaining Camp Hope and Triumvirate Enterprises. While it’s interesting, if you eliminate it, your story is still there.
I think you can combine paragraphs 5 and 6 into one like:
“After fighting dehydration and death to cross the drylands, the twins find a renegade settlement-a place where Lena finally fits in. As they settle into their new lives, Nile discovers their father’s nearing execution date and Lena learns that the lower castes will be slaughtered before the new City launches.”
katharine owens
July 7, 2011 @ 1:54 am
Thanks Alicia– I still like An Inconvenient Truth as a comp title, but it doesn’t really work, does it? :0)
Thanks for this feedback- I appreciate it! Can’t wait to get cracking on it again.
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 4:39 am
Great idea about the combining, Alicia! Thanks so much!
Kara
July 7, 2011 @ 12:47 am
Wow–I would so totally read this–my boys and husband, too! The only thing I would change is to get rid of the one exclamation point–you don’t need it. You could polish up that second paragraph a bit, but if I was an agent, I’d definintely want to read more! 🙂
katharine owens
July 7, 2011 @ 1:49 am
thank you Kara! I appreciate it.
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 4:40 am
You make a REALLY good point, Kara: if YOU were an agent, you’d read more. The key is to hook the agent’s attention, and it’s pretty clear from this–right off the bat–that Kat has a STELLAR premise. I’m pretty sure that alone would catch an agent’s eye. 😀
katharine owens
July 7, 2011 @ 11:40 am
Aw, shucks. *blushes*
Thanks for this Susan– I’m not sure people realize how much of your own time you put into each of the queries that go online (not to mention giving feedback on the ones that don’t).
It is beyond generous of you to share your time in that way.
I appreciate it so much!
Susan
July 7, 2011 @ 2:33 pm
Now it’s my turn to blush. You are most very, VERY welcome, Kat. <3
Happy
July 8, 2011 @ 3:26 am
Wow- this book looks great! I am totally hooked here- and want to know more. After all the stellar comments above, I’m not sure I need to add anything! ~ ( Jules’ suggestions are so awesome and insightful) I did have an initial reaction that telling about the lower castes being slaughtered might be telling too much info- but then I realized that it REALLY hooked me and sold me on the whole thing, so I would consider keeping it, personally. Best of luck to you Katharine!!
Susan
July 8, 2011 @ 5:41 pm
Thanks, Happy! The how-much-info-to-reveal is always tricky, but you kinda answer it for Kat right there! The Tri-slaughter-thing hooked you–awesome! 😀
katharine owens
July 9, 2011 @ 6:54 pm
thanks so much Happy! It is wonderful to get some fresh eyes on this!
Maryanne Fantalis
July 11, 2011 @ 6:59 pm
This query has a great balance of voice and information. I can’t wait to read the book! I think perhaps the lower-caste complication could be avoided by saying something like “the slaughter of innocents” or “slaughter of innocent lives.” I’m just concerned that introducing the lower castes is more detail than you need in this query. You hooked us all with your great premise and characters, so I don’t think you need to delve any deeper into your world at this point. Love it, and good luck when you get out there!
katharine owens
July 14, 2011 @ 4:22 pm
thanks Maryanne- this is really helpful. I agree, it’s all about that balance!