Query Critique #3: The Saints of Belvedere Road
Darke Conteur is up today, so please leave your thoughts in the comment section. Remember: all snark will be instantly incinerated! Spread the word so Darke can get tons of helpful feedback!
~~~
Dear [agent name]
Amelia Saint thinks she’s losing her mind.
Demonic visions have left Amelia doubting her sanity. When she learns her husband has bargained away the soul of their eldest child to make partner at his law firm, her sanity isn‘t the only thing she could lose. Worse, she learns Henry plans to bargain the souls of their two remaining children to fulfill his political aspirations.
With help from strangers adept in the occult, she discovers a way to keep her children alive. If Amelia can prevent the minions of Hell from taking full possession of her son’s body for seventy-two hours, both pacts will be broken and Henry will be forced to take his son’s place in Hell.
Henry knows this too.
Amelia must try to stay one step ahead, but as the deadline approaches and the forces of Hell close in, her options for keeping her children alive run out.
The Saints of Belvedere Road is a 70,000 word, paranormal thriller. I was a member of Online Writer’s Workshop for three years, and was a content editor for Flash Me Magazine since ‘08. I spent a year on the Community Editorial Board for my local newspaper, where my editorials were published every two months.
Thank-you for your time and consideration.
Darke Conteur
~~~
Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 1:53 pm
“Amelia Saint thinks she’s losing her mind.
Demonic visions have left Amelia doubting her sanity.” These two sentences say the same thing. Maybe just use one of them?
This is a really strong query, and a very interesting premise. It makes me wonder what would drive a man to send his children to Hell just to gain in his career.
January 25, 2011 @ 4:44 pm
Thanks for that suggestion, Holly! I also suggested that, but I ALSO think it’s a really strong query!
I mean, trading children for promotions?? WOAH. Scary hubby alert!
🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 8:50 pm
Oh, it goes so much deeper and darker than that. 🙂
Thank-you for commenting. 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 3:14 pm
Great letter!
One comment:
“was a content editor for Flash Me Magazine since ’08”
I think it should be “was a content editor…. from ’08 until ____” OR “have been a content editor… since ’08” if you still work for them.
January 25, 2011 @ 4:44 pm
Thanks for stopping by, Jen — this isn’t your usual haunt. 😉
And nice grammar-spotting! I didn’t notice it!
January 25, 2011 @ 8:52 pm
Neither did I! Thanks!
January 25, 2011 @ 4:03 pm
My only comment is that this is a book I’d want to read. 🙂 The letter drew me in and left me wanting more.
January 25, 2011 @ 4:45 pm
Thanks for your comment, Kathy! I think Darke will be getting a lot of agent interest!
January 25, 2011 @ 9:11 pm
From your lips to their ears. *crosses fingers*
January 25, 2011 @ 8:53 pm
That’s always a good sign! Thanks!
January 25, 2011 @ 6:28 pm
Good flow. Just enough to make it intriguing.
“…her options for keeping her children alive run out.”
Do you perhaps mean that her options are “running” out?
If they have run out, doesn’t that mean she has already failed?
January 25, 2011 @ 7:55 pm
Good point, Ken. Thanks for the input!
January 25, 2011 @ 8:56 pm
Yes, thank-you! I’m going to play with that one.
January 25, 2011 @ 6:58 pm
Overall this is an extremely well-written query, and a fantastic premise! I’d definitely be interested in reading it. 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 7:55 pm
Thanks for the comment, Laura! 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 8:57 pm
Thank-you! 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 7:02 pm
What an interesting premise!! I’m really curious as to how a parent is able to bargain another’s soul. That’s something that left me with questions, but the good kind that leave me wanting to read it to find out. 😀
I don’t really have much to add!
January 25, 2011 @ 7:56 pm
Thanks for your thoughts, Amanda! It’s a strong query, so no one really has anything to say!! 😀
January 25, 2011 @ 9:01 pm
Thanks for the compliment. 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 7:26 pm
My comments are in square brackets. 🙂
Amelia Saint thinks she’s losing her mind.
Demonic visions have left Amelia doubting her sanity.[as Holly said, the first two sentences say the same thing; the latter just specifies more. Merge them?] When she learns her husband has bargained away the soul of their eldest child to make partner[<I don't get this, but it might be just me] at his law firm, her sanity isn‘t the only thing she could lose.[I think you could add a 'plus' at the start of the sentence, since there's 'not the only thing she could lose'] Worse, she learns Henry plans to bargain the souls of their two remaining children to fulfill his political aspirations.
With help from strangers adept in the occult, she discovers a way to keep her children alive.[kill "a way to keep her children alive" and go straight to "that if she can prevent…"] If Amelia can prevent the minions of Hell from taking full possession of her son’s body for seventy-two hours, both pacts will be broken and Henry will be forced to take his son’s place in Hell.
Henry knows this too.
Amelia must try to stay one step ahead, but as the deadline approaches and the forces of Hell close in, her options for keeping her children alive run out.[um, duh her options run out. Maybe just keep it 'Amelia must try to stay one step ahead of Henry and the forces of Hell'.]
The Saints of Belvedere Road [capitalize title] is a 70,000 word,[kill that comma] paranormal thriller. I was a member of Online Writer’s Workshop for three years, and was a content editor for Flash Me Magazine since ‘08.[agree with Jennifer, 'since' doesn't work with 'was'] I spent a year on the Community Editorial Board for my local newspaper, where my editorials were published every two months.
Something I don't get: shouldn't Hell's minions have closed in long ago, to try and beat Amelia's 72-hour reprieve, instead of just in the last paragraph of summary? (Assuming it's chronologically ordered.) Also, shouldn't Amelia just be trying to stick it out for as long as possible? It's not really a deadline, is it? For me, the 72-hour thing, the deadline and the 'forces of Hell' don't mesh. I'm trying to explain how, but I just don't get it.
January 25, 2011 @ 7:56 pm
Thanks for the thorough critique, Yahong. Much appreciated! 🙂
January 25, 2011 @ 9:06 pm
Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Lol, this is the biggest problem with query blurbs, you only have a certain amount of words to work with, to make it as gripping as possible. If I explained all the points you noted, this would turn into a short synopsis, and possibly lose some of the impact I was going for.
As for your last paragraph, who says she isn’t? Again, if I tried to explain I would be giving the ending away, and we all know that’s a big no-no in query writing. 🙂
January 26, 2011 @ 12:39 am
Very true, Darke – not a lot of room in a query. I’d just explain a bit more, since to me that seems like a plot hole.
January 25, 2011 @ 7:30 pm
I love how this premise is a different approach to the demon trend. Overall, a good query.
This seems to pretty much cover your story. Good job. The only thing I’m missing is the tone or voice of your story. This tells the story well, but I don’t get a feel for the main character. This could be modern or set 100 years ago – I don’t think I’d be able to tell.
Super job summing up your story in a few words!
January 25, 2011 @ 7:57 pm
Thanks for the feedback, Laura — you make a good point about the voice.
January 25, 2011 @ 9:10 pm
Thanks for commenting!
Voice, I think, is the hardest thing for a writer to establish. Even more so for a query. Doesn’t leave you much room to really spead your wings, does it? I’m just hoping it’s stronger in the novel.
January 25, 2011 @ 9:31 pm
I also think this sounds great and only have the same nit-picking comments a few others have already mentioned.
1. The first two sentences say the same thing, and I’d drop the first logline-style sentence, if it were me. It’s not as exciting as the rest of the query!
2. I don’t get much of a sense of who the MC is, besides that she has horrible taste in husbands. 🙂 I know that, even if the voice is strong in the novel, voice in a query is hard, hard, hard. Hopefully this query will be enough to catch an agent’s eye and then you can wow them with the voice in the actual MS.
Good luck!
January 25, 2011 @ 10:18 pm
A lot of people are suggesting I drop the first sentence, and I’m beginning to agree. I hope it will be as well.
Thanks for your comment! 🙂
January 26, 2011 @ 12:55 pm
I am late to the party on this one, and I really have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said above, but I must agree with the overarching theme of the comments—this story sounds awesome! Great job! 🙂
January 27, 2011 @ 4:16 am
I’m going to cut stuff in your query and then ask questions later, in the hope that this will explain stuff better than me flailing for words.
***
Amelia Saint discovers that her husband has bargained away the soul of their eldest child to make partner at his law firm. Worse, she learns Henry plans to bargain the souls of their two remaining children to fulfill his political aspirations.
If Amelia can prevent the minions of Hell from taking possession of her son’s body for 72 hours, both pacts will be broken and Henry will be forced to take his son’s place in Hell.
Henry knows this too. <– I like that a lot.
As the deadline approaches and the forces of Hell close in, Amelia's options for keeping her children alive run out.
***
This is what your query tells us is happening. It's a good premise. Now what I'd like is to know what kind of person Amelia is. What does she want? What is she like? "Amelia is a wisecracking Victorian parent who's tired of seeing demons all the time. Keeping up with the children is hard enough — or that's what she thinks until she catches her husband making a pact with the devil." Aw, geez, that sounds dumb. Anyway, show us Amelia herself in the query.