Query Critique #4: Because She Said So

Put your hands together for Holly (my fab crit partner!).  Her query is below for community feedback, so please leave your thoughts in the comments (no snark permitted).  Spread the word so Holly can get as much quality criticism as possibility!


Dear Agent Sooz,

Because you are fantastic and wonderful and have a love of fantasy books, (Or, you know, some kind of personalization) I believe you may be interested in my 50,000 word young adult fantasy, BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO.

Sixteen-year-old Kate is trapped in a fairy tale and must escape before the story rips away her identity or the narrator orders Kate’s death.

Kate made a stupid wish to escape her life in favor of a fairy tale dream. The promise of Happily Ever After when faced with a dying brother is enticing to say the least. When the wish comes true, Kate begins to realize that fairy tale land isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Inside the story, she is bound by the words the God-like narrator speaks and forced to play the part of the princess and repeat the same story over and over again. Plus, the venomous Prince Charming is out to kill her, there is no Happily Ever After, and Kate isn’t sure which of her so-called friends is actually helping the narrator control her.

When Kate discovers the secret to escaping this Magical Kingdom of Torture – true love’s kiss, of course – the narrator starts playing even more torturous games with Kate. First the narrator changes the direction of the story, then she steals the guy Kate thinks she’s in love with, Nathan, and replaces him with Jace – a dashing rogue Kate begins to fall for. When a stray arrow nearly pierces Kate’s heart, she finds herself pitted nose-to-nose against the Prince. Now, with Jace’s life hanging in the balance, Kate has to choose who to love: Nathan or Jace. If she chooses wrong, she won’t just lose all of her memories; she’ll also never get to see her brother alive again.

In the end, Kate must solve the riddle of true love before the clock runs out and she is trapped as a fairy tale princess forever.

BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO is a blend of THE WIZARD OF OZ and ELLA ENCHANTED, and I believe it may appeal to fans of both. Though the novel has been written as the first in a planned trilogy, it can also stand alone. I’m an active member of SCBWI, the Florida Writers Association, and YALitChat.

Thank you for your time and consideration.




Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries!  Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other.  Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!