Query Critique #5: What You Can’t Take Back
Melinda R. Cordell is up today, so please leave your thoughts in the comment section. Remember: all snark will be destroyed! Spread the word so Melinda can get tons of helpful feedback!
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Dear Nice Agent Person:
I’m querying you because you’re so awesome, et cetera.
After being bullied for the millionth time in seventh grade, Zanny finally finds a defender and friend; herself, or rather her older self, brought back in time as a ghost. But more than embarrassment and social standing are at stake. When the older Zanny tells her that Jake, the boy she’s pining for, is going to die in three days, Zanny has to overcome her shyness and lousy social status now to keep people from dying. But it’s one thing to dream about saving lives and rewriting your past. It’s another thing entirely to step into the heart of a tornado to do so, even with your own ghost by your side.
I’m seeking representation for my 53,000 word MG fantasy novel, What You Can’t Take Back.
I am earning an MFA for writing for children at Hamline University, where I worked with Gary Schmidt (The Wednesday Wars, Okay for Now) on this story. I’ve published fiction in Cicada, Read, Cricket, and Highlights; and articles in The Horn Book.
Please find enclosed in the body of the email the first five pages of my novel, or whatever your submission guidelines tell me to do. Thank you!
Sincerely,
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Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
January 27, 2011 @ 10:01 am
Melinda, here’re a few suggestions:
[After being bullied for the millionth time in seventh grade, Zanny finally finds a defender and friend; herself, or rather her older self, brought back in time as a ghost.] For the opening, I might suggest making Zanny react to the bullying. Right now, you have her passively “finding” a defender after being bullied, but there’s no obvious correlation between the two. What event, presumably incited by the bullying, caused Zanny to find her defender and friend? Having a more active beginning (also try inserting more interesting verbs) would, in my opinion, show more promise for a strong MC. (: The semi-colon is misused; try using a colon instead. The “herself, or rather her older self,” is a good line, really intriguing. But to liven up the second half, try using a more interesting phrase than [brought back in time]. If you can’t think of anything (I know I couldn’t think of a good example – bad critic, bad!), at least say [through time] instead. (:
[But more than embarrassment and social standing are at stake.] This feels concurrently too abrupt and too long. I think it’s fine to leave it a fragment, but [embarrassment and social standing] is clunky. Is there a single word (maybe a colloquialism) that would fit better, and set the tone?
[When the older Zanny tells her that Jake, the boy she’s pining for, is going to die in three days, Zanny has to overcome her shyness and lousy social status now to keep people from dying.] Instead of repeating “older Zanny,” try saying “her ghost.” So, “When the ghost tells her that Jake, the boy she’s pining for, is going to die in three days, Zanny has to overcome her shyness.” Also, in the previous sentence you used “social standing,” and in this one you used “social status.” I would change one of them (preferably the previous one, I’d say). Last problem with this sentence is that you say that Jake is going to die in three days, but don’t mention anyone else. So why say “people” when it’s just Jake? Are we missing something?
[But it’s one thing to dream about saving lives and rewriting your past. It’s another thing entirely to step into the heart of a tornado to do so, even with your own ghost by your side.] I would take out the word “but” at the beginning, to give the closer more impact. The tornado is an awesome detail! That definitely hooked me. The only issue with the closer is that you haven’t given us any idea why the ghost would be helpful in a tornado. We don’t feel the intensity of the last line because we’re like, “Oh, would a ghost be helpful? Say what?” If you could tighten up the language a bit, opening up room for more important details (like how bad-ass the ghost is), that last line would bowl me over. (:
Great work so far, and good luck editing! (: If you have any questions about my critique, feel free to email me at jules [dot] wood [at] live [.] com.
January 27, 2011 @ 8:07 pm
Wow, thanks for the thorough critique, Jules! Much appreciated! 🙂
January 28, 2011 @ 1:30 am
Good point about the last line and trying to figure out how a ghost would be helpful. Technically, good point about all the rest! Thanks for such a complete critique.
January 28, 2011 @ 1:31 am
How interesting, I seem to have a turnip as an avatar.
January 27, 2011 @ 12:11 pm
I love the premise, but feel the wording needs work.
In the opening line I’d leave out the bullying part. The part about her ghost coming back and announcing that her crush will die in 3 days is way more of a hook. You can work in her low social standing later. Or even just the fact that her ghost appears to her is a great hook.
I also feel that other than that detail and the fact that she is bullied, the rest is a little vague. It went from her saving one life to lives – who else? And rewriting her past? I’m not sure how saving someone will rewrite her past unless she has to save her own life – if that’s the case I’d mention that because those are high stakes! And I don’t think that’s giving away too much of the story. That’s what would make me want to read it.
The image of the tornado is great, except, I wasn’t sure if you meant an actual tornado or not. I thought you meant figurative but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I’d love to see more of the voice of the story come out in the query.
But I can see the heart of this story and I love it. So much is at stake. I hope she does have to solve her own murder in advance! If so, bring it out! Lots of potential conflict and emotion with this story! Good luck!
January 27, 2011 @ 8:08 pm
Great feedback. Thanks so much, Laura!!
January 28, 2011 @ 1:35 am
Oh! Good idea about the hook. Yes, it is an actual tornado — I’ll fit that in earlier in the query.
!! Murder! Whoo, better find a way to clarify that puppy right now! (The older self dies in a car wreck and crash-lands in Zanny’s time … probably too much info for the query tho.)
Thank you very muchly.
January 27, 2011 @ 2:25 pm
After being bullied for the millionth time in seventh grade, Zanny finally finds a defender and friend; herself, or rather her older self, brought back in time as a ghost. [This is long and confusing to me. Try breaking it apart]
But more than embarrassment and social standing are at stake. [I don’t understand where this comes from. I don’t see what social standing has to do with her ghost]
When the older Zanny tells her that Jake, the boy she’s pining for, is going to die in three days, Zanny has to overcome her shyness and lousy social status now to keep people from dying. [Cut this up and back load it for more punch. Maybe: The older Zanny tells her that in three days Jake is going to die. Then continue with the rest.]
But it’s one thing to dream about saving lives and rewriting your past. It’s another thing entirely to step into the heart of a tornado to do so, even with your own ghost by your side. [I like this imagery, but I don’t understand what you’re trying to convey. We need more plot. 🙂 ]
I’m seeking representation [Don’t say that. You’re querying, so it’s obvious 🙂 ]for my 53,000 word MG fantasy novel, What You Can’t Take Back.
I still don’t have a good sense of the plot. What kind of challenges Zanny is going to meet to save Jake’s life. I think you focused a little too much on the social outcast aspect, and not enough on the fact that if she doesn’t succeed her friend will die.
This sounds like it’s a good story, just give us a little more plot detail in the query. 🙂 Good luck with your revision.
January 27, 2011 @ 8:08 pm
Great suggestions — I think you’re right that we need just a little more. Thanks, Holly! 😀
January 28, 2011 @ 1:39 am
Thanks for your help. You’re right about more plot details — I’ll work ’em in.
Just so you know (and this goes for all you excellent critiquers), I will be copying your critiques off into a single MS Word file and then work on all suggestions from there as I rewrite. So much good stuff here. Thank you!
January 27, 2011 @ 5:35 pm
Laalalala, squuuuaaaare brackets!! (I always feel the need to announce that. :D)
After being bullied for the millionth time in seventh grade,[I don’t know if ‘millionth time’ works, because bullying is an ongoing *singular* thing] Zanny finally finds a defender and friend;[‘finally’ seems out of place at the beginning of a query. Plus, after ‘friend’ should go a colon, not a semicolon] herself, or rather her older self, brought back in time as a ghost.[explain just a bit why? it seems out of the blue] But more than embarrassment and social standing are at stake.[why would embarrassment and social standing be at stake when older Zanny is being Zanny’s defender?] When the older Zanny tells her that Jake, the boy she’s pining for, is going to die in three days, Zanny has to overcome her shyness and lousy social status now to keep people from dying.[how does overcoming her shyness save people’s lives? Plus, how could Zanny keep people from dying in the first palce?] But it’s one thing to dream about saving lives and rewriting your past.[how could younger Zanny rewrite her past? she IS the past, for older Zanny] It’s another thing entirely to step into the heart of a tornado to do so,[WHAT? where did the tornado come from??] even with your own ghost by your side.
I’m seeking representation[duh you’re seeking representation. Maybe ‘WHAT YOU CAN’T TAKE BACK, my middle-grade fantasy novel, is complete at 53,000 words’?] for my 53,000 word MG fantasy novel, What You Can’t Take Back.[capitalize title. Oh, and write out ‘middle-grade’.]
I am earning an MFA for writing for children at Hamline University, where I worked with Gary Schmidt (The Wednesday Wars, Okay for Now)[I don’t think you need to mention which books Gary Schmidt wrote, he’s pretty well-known IMO] on this story. I’ve published fiction in Cicada, Read, Cricket, and Highlights; and articles in The Horn Book. [that semicolon could be replaced with a comma: ‘…Highlights, as well as aritcles…’, since ‘and articles in the Horn Book’ doesn’t stand on its own.
I think your premise is just fine; a little clarity would definitely help. For example, why would Zanna need to save Jake, just because she has a crush on him? This is MG, where characters don’t fall in love. (They fall in ‘like’. And then break up. And then do it all over again.) Also, some consequences of changing Zanny’s past could be inserted to raise the stakes for older Zanny.
January 27, 2011 @ 8:09 pm
Another in-depth crit! Thanks so much for paying it forward, Yahong!
January 27, 2011 @ 10:13 pm
PS: The reason I do ‘in-depth’ critiques is because I don’t know how to do it otherwise… don’t tell anyone! 😉
January 28, 2011 @ 1:42 am
I’m the same way … “I didn’t have time to write a shorter letter” is kind of standard for me. Thanks for all your suggestions. I love detailed crits, don’t you? I will be using your suggestions forthwith and posthaste.
January 27, 2011 @ 6:01 pm
Hi! Great premise!
I agree with Laura that I think the hook right at the beginning should be the ghost and that Zanny will have to save her crush, and not about the bullying. Also, rather than just saying that her social standing is in the way of her goals, I’d like to see exactly HOW, because right now I’m not getting a sense of how mean girls would stop her from saving someone’s life. If we saw a little more about how this and her shyness specifically got in the way of her goals, I think it would give the query more oomph.
Also, the tornado–is it literal or figurative? More details on that, please! 🙂
Overall, I think it’s a great premise and I like that your query letter is concise–but I think that also gives you a little room to add in some more detail.
Good luck!
January 27, 2011 @ 8:10 pm
You’re right, Maggie — there’s definitely space (at least in terms of word count) for some more info here. Thanks for you feedback!
January 28, 2011 @ 1:44 am
Oh! I guess I do have more a little more space to work with than I thought, as far as word count goes.
I see what you mean about the hook and the bullying not really connecting to the other stuff going on in the query.
It’s an actual tornado. I’ll do something like, “Jake and two other kids will die in a tornado in three days.”
Thank you very muchly!
January 27, 2011 @ 11:33 pm
Hi, Melinda. Liked the premise, but wanted more specifics. What does Bullying mean? Does her ghost visit her after she’s been stuffed in her gym locker for the millionth time? Give us just a taste. While extricating herself from [insert terrible millionth situation] Zanny [does what] that brings her face to face with her only friend – herself, or her future self… Then launch into what the stakes are. I agree, the tornado is intriguing, but too vague. How can stepping into it save anyone? She has to do what heroic event for people who flush her head every Tuesday or else what will happen? I think it’s a great, and timely story idea, but adding in details (and thereby voice) will add a tremendous amount. Good luck!
January 28, 2011 @ 1:49 am
Oh! I can get more specific about the bullying. I like “extricating herself” — I might swipe that phrase. You’re right, the tornado thing is too vague when it’s really the thing that Zanny is in a sweat about. Basically, an F3 tornado is going to make a direct hit where they’re having a dance and kill Jake and two others. And obviously that needs to go in the query like right now.
Thank you!