Query Critique #6: The Elite
Today is Maggie‘s turn, so please leave your feedback in the comment section. Remember: all snark will be destroyed! Spread the word so Maggie can get tons of help (not that she needs it, of course)!
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Dear Agent,
After two mysterious young men show up at her high school prom, 16-year-old Avery Hunter finds herself a half-willing kidnappee on a private jet to Paris. These eccentric, wealthy people claim to be distant relatives, and their villa in Paris, the ballgowns—and the amazingly attractive young men they call knights—are all too much fun for Avery to care how peculiar they are.
But then she discovers that these same people who can shut down the Prada store on the Champs Elysees for their own private use can order the bombing of a nation’s capital and not think twice about it.
This group, the Elite, aren’t just a family. They are a very powerful society of twelve families who have secretly ruled the world for centuries, and Avery is their missing heir, meant to fulfill a prophecy that might plunge the world into World War 3.
Both horrified by the existence of the Elite and oddly drawn to her impossible new status as one of them, the last thing Avery should be doing is falling for one of their exasperatingly intriguing young knights—let alone two of them. But beautiful, volatile Stellan makes her feel alive, while Jack’s protective arms feel like the home she’s never had.
Jack and Stellan, however, both have secrets of their own. Now, not only does Avery have to stop the Elite from carrying out their plan before it’s too late—she has to choose between the boy who might help her save the world and the one she’s falling in love with.
My 80,000 word young adult novel, THE ELITE, is meant as the first in a trilogy but can stand alone. I believe it could be a good fit for your list because (why this specific agent might like my book). I am a freelance writer and former events and marketing coordinator at an independent bookstore. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your consideration.
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Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
January 28, 2011 @ 8:12 am
I love the premise of this. This it the kind of story I would love to read. =D
It would be more organized if the first three paragraphs were merged into two paragraphs. Perhaps the first paragraph can be about her kidnapping and the second about the elite?
I think you should make the conflict more clear. I want to know more about the elite`s plan.
Other than that, the premise is amazing. If this does get published, then I want to buy it. 😉 Good luck.
January 28, 2011 @ 2:53 pm
Thanks, aekubo! Yay for a potential reader for Maggie! 😀
January 28, 2011 @ 2:53 pm
Thank you so much for the feedback! You’re right–I think I did chop the paragraphs too much, and the first three might be able to combine into two, and I’ll work on making the conflict more clear as well.
Thanks!!
January 28, 2011 @ 10:52 am
Hey Maggie! Here’re a few suggestions:
[These eccentric, wealthy people claim to be distant relatives, and their villa in Paris, the ballgowns—and the amazingly attractive young men they call knights—are all too much fun for Avery to care how peculiar they are.] I’d improve your syntax here. You’ve got two subjects: in the first half, the subject is the wealthy people, and in the second, the subject is Avery and how overwhelmed she is. I would restructure your ideas to clarify who feels what and who does what. Also regarding this sentence, you call them “amazingly attractive” – you aren’t taking advantage of a good place to show off your writing. I would imagine if an agent saw “amazingly attractive,” she would assume you use adverbs as descriptors throughout your writing.
[But then she discovers that these same people who can shut down the Prada store on the Champs Elysees for their own private use can order the bombing of a nation’s capital and not think twice about it.] This sentence is rather clunky. I think it’s too wordy – compress your ideas so this twist has impact.
[This group, the Elite, aren’t just a family.] Should be “isn’t.”
[They are a very powerful society of twelve families who have secretly ruled the world for centuries, and Avery is their missing heir, meant to fulfill a prophecy that might plunge the world into World War 3.] Take out “very.” I’d change the word “meant” to something with a bit more fire, like “destined.” And I might say “catalyze” or “incite” instead of “plunge the world into,” but that’s up to you.
[Both horrified by the existence of the Elite and oddly drawn to her impossible new status as one of them, the last thing Avery should be doing is falling for one of their exasperatingly intriguing young knights—let alone two of them.] Take out “oddly.” Perhaps instead of “one of them,” say “a member,” since you have “one of their” in the next part. I’d take out “exasperatingly intriguing” (both because of the adverb, and because you have strong descriptors of them in the following sentence).
[Jack and Stellan, however, both have secrets of their own.] I’d take out “both.”
[Now, not only does Avery have to stop the Elite from carrying out their plan before it’s too late—she has to choose between the boy who might help her save the world and the one she’s falling in love with.] I’m curious what The Elite’s plan is, but I’m not sure if that’s something you should include in the query or intentionally leave out. Probably the latter? Cool premise! My problem with this ending is that you’d already implied that Avery was falling in love with BOTH in the previous paragraph. What happened to change that? I would take out some of the unnecessary detail in the beginning (about the villa in Paris, etc) and instead focus on making a logical progression in the plot for the agent to follow. Right now it’s a little jumbled, and I think you could use fewer words and more important points. (:
Good luck editing, and good luck querying in the future!
January 28, 2011 @ 2:56 pm
Thanks for all your feedback, Jules! 🙂 As always, you’re very thorough!
January 28, 2011 @ 2:59 pm
Thanks so much for the thorough critique!
Eek, adverbs! You are so right. I’m careful about them in my MS, and I’m not sure how I let so many sneak in here!
I agree also that a few of the sentences are too long and clunky, and thanks so much for pointing out the ones you think need to be changed. That is something I’ve been having problems with in this query, and something I will definitely work on.
And last, I’ll work on making the ending more clear–not sure I want to specify what the plan is in the query, but I’ll try to clarify as much as possible.
Thank you so much!!
February 1, 2011 @ 10:57 am
Adverbs are SO stealthy! Like you, I’m always conscientious about weeding them out of my manuscript, but especially in professional/academic writing…it’s adverbs galore. I need a critique partner’s help to even spot them, let alone know which to delete. Anyway, you’re not alone! Good luck editing!
January 28, 2011 @ 1:22 pm
Promising plot, but I think you’re giving us too much steak and not enough sizzle. Also, I didn’t really buy (in a query, you understand) the half-willing kidnappee bit. When Avery is taken on a whirlwind tour of Paris by distant relatives who call themselves The Elite (Okay, don’t use whirlwind. That’s a cliche, but you get my idea.) she discovers the joy of power, money, love and Prada. Whatever. Then they tell her she’s their missing heir, meant to fulfill a prophecy that might plunge the world into World War 3. Torn between her love for her family and (however you want to put this without sounding callous), Avery might have to face this consequence.
Sorry I got a little vague here. I have a five-year-old pulling for breakfast. ;D
January 28, 2011 @ 2:56 pm
Ahhh, hungry five-year-olds! Thanks for taking the time to drop by with your thoughts, Victoria!
January 28, 2011 @ 3:03 pm
Thank you so much for your thoughts!
“…the joy of power, money, love, and Prada.” 🙂 I like that.
And I will try to clarify the half-willing kidnappee part–it’s kind of important, but I don’t want it to be confusing.
Thanks so much again for taking the time to comment during breakfast! 🙂
January 28, 2011 @ 2:09 pm
First of all — I love your premise. 🙂
After two mysterious young men show up at her high school prom, 16-year-old Avery Hunter finds herself a half-willing kidnappee on a private jet to Paris. These eccentric, wealthy people claim to be distant relatives, and their villa in Paris, the ballgowns—and the amazingly attractive young men they call knights—are all too much fun for Avery to care how peculiar they are. [Your second sentence here is very long, which makes it a little confusing. Try breaking it apart.]
But then she discovers that these [should it be these or the? It’s a singular group of people, so I’m thinking the.] same people who can shut down the Prada store on the Champs Elysees for their own private use can order the bombing of a nation’s capital and not think twice about it.
This group, the Elite, aren’t just a family. They are a very powerful society of twelve families who have secretly ruled the world for centuries, and Avery is their missing heir,[Maybe break here? Just to add more punch to the fact that she’s the missing heir.] [Avery is] meant to fulfill a prophecy that might plunge the world into World War 3.
Overall, really good query. And I really love your premise. I’d totally read it!
January 28, 2011 @ 2:57 pm
Thanks, Holly!! 🙂 Your help is much appreciated!
January 28, 2011 @ 3:08 pm
Thanks, Holly! I loved your premise too! 🙂
You are so right about the confusing second sentence. I think that’s a theme in these comments–shorten, tighten.
Thanks for your other comments about specific parts as well!
January 28, 2011 @ 2:17 pm
I love the premise of this. I think I saw it over in Nathan’s forums too. I liked it there also. You’ve gotten some great comments. I agree there might be more conflict if she’s totally unwilling to be kidnapped, unless there’s something we don’t know about yet.
And I’d look at the the last word of each paragragh: are,it,3, had, with. I suggest ending the last sentence of your paragraphs with stronger words. I bet you could reword a bit for that to happen. I bet you could combine the second and third paragraph as they are both set up for the story.
Maybe leave out the part of being part of a prophecy – I hear that’s getting a bit cliche. 😉
Did you know that Elana Johnson’s book, From the Query to the Call is free on her website now! Great tips in there. Best of luck with this – fun story!
January 28, 2011 @ 2:58 pm
Ah yes, the prophecy… I think I commented on that in my private critique. Thanks for the feedback, Laura! 🙂
January 30, 2011 @ 6:08 am
(Just realized that I replied incorrectly and my reply is a new comment below this one. Sorry. Didn’t want you to think I was ignoring your comment.) 🙂
January 28, 2011 @ 3:13 pm
Thanks, Laura! Yep, it was on Nathan’s forums–I’m getting a lot of different feedback here, which is great, so it goes to show that it never hurts to get critiques from multiple places! 🙂
Very interesting about the last words of the paragraphs. I had never thought of that, but it would be a great place to bring a little more oomph to the query. Thanks for the idea!
And about the prophecy–I’ve heard that a couple of times now, and I might think about leaving it out of the query? It is, obviously, in the MS, but it’s not really talked about as a prophecy all that much. That word was just an easy one to use in the query, but maybe not the best one. Thanks so much for your input!
January 28, 2011 @ 3:26 pm
I absolutely love the premise of this, and I htink you’re really close to having a polished query. Here are a couple things that jumped out at me:
1. Half-willing kidnappee: This doesn’t make sense, logically, to me. I think you either need more about why she’d go with them, or else lose it completely if you’re short on space. (Although I think you probably need it to set up the rest of the query. Does that make sense?)
2. Missing heir/prophecy: I would lose this bit completely. It might actually be what happens in the MSS, but don’t mention it in the query. I’ve read so many agent gripes lately about prophecies and “one true heir”-type stories that I fear leaving it in would be an automatic kiss of death for you.
Other than that, I thought this was very well done!
January 28, 2011 @ 11:45 pm
Thanks Meredith! Good suggestions — must avoid those kisses of death! 🙂
January 30, 2011 @ 6:07 am
(Just realized that I commented incorrectly and my reply is a new comment below this one. Sorry.) 🙂
January 28, 2011 @ 4:33 pm
Thanks, Meredith!
1. Yep, it sounds like I should clarify that. A few people were confused–I’ll see if I can work in the “why” or else find a way to skirt around it.
2. Maybe I should just cut it. It’s not THAT important in the MS, actually–well, it is, but more as background…hard to explain in just a few words! Lots of stuff happens that is more important, but it’s not as easy to condense into one sentence in a query. 🙂 Darn it queries, why must you be so short??
January 28, 2011 @ 5:28 pm
After two mysterious young men show up at her high school prom, 16-year-old [why is a 16-year-old having prom?? Isn’t prom at the END of high school? 18 years old? no?] Avery Hunter finds herself a half-willing kidnappee[that makes it sound like she found a half-willing kidnappee, not that she’s one herself…] on a private jet to Paris.[sounds like the two men did more than just ‘show up’] These [two]eccentric, wealthy people claim to be distant relatives, and their villa in Paris, the ballgowns—and the amazingly attractive young men they call knights—are all too much fun for Avery to care how peculiar they are.
But then she discovers that these same people who can shut down the Prada store on the Champs Elysees for their own private use can order the bombing of a nation’s capital and not think twice about it.[add a few commas? the ‘who can shut… private use’ is a separate clause and it’s hard for the reader to find the rest of the sentence]
[I don’t think this paragraph deserves to be by itself; add it to the previous one]This group, the Elite, aren’t[*isn’t*. ‘group’ is singular.] just a family. They are[contract to ‘They’re’] a very[cut ‘very’] powerful society of twelve families who have secretly ruled the world for centuries, and[cut the ‘and’ for shorter sentences with more punch] Avery is their missing heir, meant to fulfill a prophecy that might plunge the world into World War 3.
Both horrified by the existence of the Elite and oddly drawn to her impossible new status as one of them, the last thing Avery should be doing is falling for one of their exasperatingly intriguing young knights—let alone two of them. But beautiful, volatile Stellan makes her feel alive, while Jack’s protective arms feel like the home she’s never had.
Jack and Stellan, however, both have secrets of their own.[secrets up the stakes, but they don’t seem to have anything to do with the rest of the paragraph…] Now, not only does Avery have to stop the Elite from carrying out their plan before it’s too late—she has to choose between the boy who might help her save the world and the one she’s falling in love with.[I thought she was falling in love with both…?]
My 80,000 word young adult novel, THE ELITE, is meant as the first in a trilogy but can stand alone. I believe it could be a good fit for your list because (why this specific agent might like my book). I am a freelance writer and former events and marketing coordinator at an independent bookstore. This is my first novel.[IMO don’t put ‘this is my first novel’ – why accentuate it if you don’t have to?]
As usual, the premise is just fine. (No small feat, BTW – I’ve seen my share of UGLIES, PERCY JACKSON and TWILIGHT spin-offs.) For me, the query structure suffers because of your multiple paragraphs. Avery shows no initiative until the last paragraph, too, so I don’t really get a feel for her.
January 28, 2011 @ 8:44 pm
Thanks so much for your thoughts! I laughed out loud a couple times–“sounds like the two men did more than just ‘show up'” 🙂 Ha, you are so right! That was not a good word choice. I’ll have to think of something stronger.
I also agree that I could shorten quite a few sentences and combine some paragraphs, and thank you for your suggestions as to where. You’re also right about the last paragraph–I could re-word that to make it make more sense, and that might also help with the confusion some of the other commenters felt about the end.
Again, thank you so much! Very helpful.
January 28, 2011 @ 11:46 pm
Thanks so much, Yahong! Your input is always appreciated!
January 28, 2011 @ 5:47 pm
Love this premise. I feel like the above posters given tons of feedback on sharpening this query up. I am sorry I don’t have anything to add– only that I am a big conspiracy theorist, and this premise is great.
January 28, 2011 @ 8:45 pm
Thanks, Katharine! I’m glad you like the the premise. I love conspiracy theory books too, so I figured, conspiracy theories plus kissing cute boys?? What could be better? 🙂
January 28, 2011 @ 11:45 pm
Thanks for the input, Katharine!
January 30, 2011 @ 1:33 am
Oh, and another comment – people, if you haven’t already, click back to see queries numbers 2 – 5, too. I just mention this because (I’m assuming) Susan isn’t posting another query for the weekend, and since one was posted every weekday, the queries posted on the weekdays got less top-of-the-page exposure. So go back and critique some more until you’re all tuckered out! 😀
(This comes from feeling guilty that mine was on the blog’s front page for so long…)
February 1, 2011 @ 4:35 am
Hi everyone! Just wanted to say THANK YOU so much again for all the comments, and thank you to Susan for doing this. It’s been incredibly helpful!
February 4, 2011 @ 2:45 am
Hey Maggie,
Looks like you’ve already gotten a heap of good advice, but here’s my two cents :).
Dear Agent,
After two mysterious young men show up at her high school prom, 16-year-old Avery Hunter finds herself a half-willing kidnappee on a private jet to Paris. [I think this first sentence might flow better, and grab a potential agents attention, if it were rearranged. The fact she is a half-willing kidnappee on her way to Paris might create more immediate interest than the prom. You could also show why they are mysterious rather than telling. Throwing in the fact they carry swords would definitely create an air of mystery] These eccentric, wealthy people claim to be distant relatives,[at first this bit feels like you’re referring to the two guys because no one else has been mentioned yet. I think this sentence could be a bit more specific] and their villa in Paris, the ballgowns—and the amazingly attractive young men [you have ‘young men’ repeated in the first para. Is there another way you could describe them?] they call knights—are all too much fun for Avery to care how peculiar they are.
But then she discovers that these same people who can shut down the Prada store on the Champs Elysees for their own private use can order the bombing of a nation’s capital and not think twice about it.[this sentence feels a bit clunky. I think mostly because of this line: ‘shut down the Prada store on the Champs Elysees for their own private use.’ Is there another way you can illustrate their social power in fewer words?]
This group, the Elite, aren’t just a family. They are a very [maybe cut ‘very’] powerful society of twelve families who have secretly ruled the world for centuries, and Avery is their missing heir, meant to fulfill a prophecy that might plunge the world into World War 3.
Both horrified by the existence of the Elite and oddly drawn to her impossible new status as one of them, the last thing Avery should be doing is falling for one of their exasperatingly intriguing young [exasperatingly intriguing young knights feels a bit clunky. I don’t think you need ‘young’ because you’ve already said they’re young in the first para, and not sure you need both ‘exasperating’ and ‘intriguing’] knights—let alone two of them. But beautiful, volatile Stellan makes her feel alive, while Jack’s protective arms feel like the home she’s never had.
Jack and Stellan, however, both have secrets of their own. Now, not only does Avery have to stop the Elite from carrying out their plan before it’s too late—she has to choose between the boy who might help her save the world and the one she’s falling in love with.
My 80,000 word young adult novel, THE ELITE, is meant as the first in a trilogy but can stand alone. I believe it could be a good fit for your list because (why this specific agent might like my book). I am a freelance writer and former events and marketing coordinator at an independent bookstore. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your consideration
February 4, 2011 @ 2:42 pm
Thanks so much for for the feedback, Sari! I appreciate you stopping by to help! 😀
February 4, 2011 @ 6:18 pm
Thanks for your suggestions, Sari! It kind of looks like you’re psychic, mentioning adding things that are not currently in the query. 🙂
February 4, 2011 @ 11:21 pm
Haha yep that’s me. Reading minds all the way. 🙂