Query Critique #8: The Insect Collector
First off, be sure to stop by Regan Leigh’s blog, where I’ve done a guest post weighing in on the negative book review “controversy”. Quick summary: Don’t do it. Period.
Also, this week is Query Week on Let the Words Flow! We’re offering in-depth critiques from ourselves and several agents, so you’ll definitely want to stop by!
Today is we have the awesome Katharine Owens on board, so please leave your feedback in the comment section. If you leave nasty comments, I will destroy you. Now go out and spread the word so Katharine an get loads of helpful feedback!
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Dear Dream Agent,
(Personal sentence describing why I am soliciting this agent.)
Beatrice Thompson is sixteen, worried about Darfur and climate change, and quickly getting in over her head with her summer job.
Beatrice loves insects. She loves watching their behavior, capturing them, and pinning them. Spending time in their world helps her ignore her own. It helps her forget that she’s been left out both at school and in her own family. At school, her bug-craziness doesn’t fit in with everyone’s boy-craziness. At home, her mom and sister are perfectly-matched BFFs.
It is summer, and Bea has a babysitting gig working for her idol scientist Mrs. Anderson. After a few days of work, Bea realizes that things are not rosy in the Anderson home. As Bea takes a closer look, she realizes the Anderson family has serious problems. It could be a divorce, but it could be something far worse.
If the issues with the summer job aren’t enough, she’s also developing feelings for her close friend Willem. Whether with the Andersons or with Willem, Beatrice’s choice is the same: to decide to keep her distance from life or to dive in.
When five-year-old James Anderson gets pulled into the mystery, she no longer has a choice. She has to risk it all, if only to save him.
A young adult novel, THE INSECT COLLECTOR, is complete at 41,000 words. I include the first chapter below, as instructed by your website.
Sincerely,
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Leave your comments below, and be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more queries! Everyday for the next two weeks, I’ll be posting another query, and it’s up to YOU all to help each other. Thanks, friends and fellow writers!!
🙂
February 1, 2011 @ 12:18 pm
Thanks Susan (and the blogosphere), can’t wait to hear some feedback.
February 1, 2011 @ 5:15 pm
You are so very, very welcome! The same goes to everyone else who’s thanked me — I’m glad this has been such a success!
February 1, 2011 @ 1:38 pm
Hi Katherine,
I believe there is a great story in there, but I’m not sure you’ve focused on the right details in the query. My first thought was that this was MG because she collected bugs. So I’m not sure it helps to start your query with it. In fact, I would delete the first two paragraphs because I’m not sure where Darfur is, not sure what climate change has to do with the story, and part about the summer job is pretty vague.
I looked through out the remaining paragraphs for a hook that you could open the query with, but the rest is pretty vague too. Phrases like: things are not rosy in the Anderson home, family has serious problems (these 2 phrases are not only repetitive but don’t tell me anything), developing feelings – can you show how they connect?, James Andereson gets pulled into the mystery – what mystery?, she has to risk it all – risk what?, only to save him – how? What does she have to do?
I really have no idea what the mystery is. Maybe you could give more specific details – why is Bea so socially awkward – is she autistic? Why does she care so much about parents that are fighting? And I’m not sure what her collecting bugs has to do with it.
I suggest narrowing in and finding your hook and starting with that. I am curious what the big mystery is so you got me there.
Bea does sound like a fascinating character. It sounds like you’ve got the material to work with – you’ve just got to bring it out in your query a bit more!
Good luck, Laura
February 1, 2011 @ 5:15 pm
Great ideas, Laura! Thanks for the feedback. 😀
February 1, 2011 @ 2:06 pm
Thanks Laura– this is really helpful. To clarify, when I mention Darfur and climate change it does seem a little off-base. I’m showing (not telling) that she’s socially and environmentally conscious. It’s a tricky line to walk, and I am not sure if I’m doing it effectively. This feedback is valuable.
I have heard feedback before that the insect collecting feels MG not YA. I think that is a common perception, and I’m not quite sure how to get around it. It’s central to the story, as it is a huge part of what makes her observant. It ties in strongly with the mystery. I tried to rewrite her as MG and it simply didn’t work. She’s a character with her own mind, and she’s not MG. Also, as a lifetime insect collector who began at 17, collected throughout college, and into my thirties– I just naturally think of it as something that’s normal for a YA/Adult. I can recognize that what’s normal for me may not be ‘normal’! :0)
Just wanted to say, thanks for all this input– I appreciate it! It gives me a lot to think about and consider.
February 1, 2011 @ 2:30 pm
I think the bug collecting can be a great quirk for a YA character – I’d maybe tone it down in the query. It might feel more natural in the story. Or show how it is connected to the main mystery. It sounds pretty creepy for a teen to capture and pin bugs but not sure that would be the tone you’re looking for. Maybe just a quick mention that she hides her obsession with pinning dead bugs to cardboard because that makes her stick out even more. Or phrase it in your character’s voice.
As far as the opening line – that’s your hook so the reader is going to expect that the details you bring out in it have to do with the main storyline, not just character development. That’s what threw me.
You might want to focus on her story goal, the obstacles, and the stakes. Then bring in bits about her character through out that.
February 1, 2011 @ 4:44 pm
… to decide to keep her distance from life or to dive in.
Katherine, I enjoyed your letter and think you’ve got a really good book behind it. I’m not a pro at this but can offer these suggestions…
Darfur caught my eye and pulled me in. I later wondered why you didn’t do more with this, ie, Beatrice learned the Andersons had been there or some such. Young people today are more aware of world situations and can relate. If Darfur doesn’t tie in, off it goes, along with mom being the BFF and like extraneous stuff.
I think the mystery aspect needs to be pulled up, hit me right with it. I read a lot of mysteries and want to know what’s what fast or I ignore the book.
Perhaps you could tighten sentences with stronger verbs and ease out about half of the pronouns. (Too much ‘she’.) More of, Beatrice is a loner who is passionate about insects…
Most of all, keep the insect theme. It works! A Canadian wrote a YA mystery about a girl who loved chemistry and used her knowledge to solve a murder. It was his first book, at age 72. I totally loved it! As did others…there’s a sequel.
Just pull up, tighten up, and you’ll be just fine.
February 1, 2011 @ 5:16 pm
Thanks for dropping by and leaving your thoughts, Kittie! Much appreciated! 😀
February 1, 2011 @ 9:30 pm
Thanks Kittie- very helpful! I appreciate it!
February 1, 2011 @ 6:38 pm
Beatrice sounds like a great character, and I wouldn’t worry about the insect stuff seeming too MG–I’d just not make it such a focus in the query. I’d maybe combine it all into something like, “Beatrice has always lived in her own world, more into collecting bugs than talking about boys…(etc etc), but when her summer job becomes more than she can handle, she’ll have to break out of her shell.” or something. OK, that sounds kind of of dumb, but you get the idea. 🙂
Also, I’d mention more about the problems with the Andersons. You say it might be something more than a divorce, but I’m still not sure if this means marital problems or something more sinister. If we knew what she was trying to save James from, I think it would focus the query a lot.
Sounds like a fun story! Good luck!
February 1, 2011 @ 9:29 pm
Thanks Maggie- this is great, and I like the part about coming out of her shell!!
February 1, 2011 @ 10:20 pm
Hey, wasn’t this on QueryShark? I remember how people hated the first detail about bugs – I see you’ve expanded on it. Good! Now, square brackets!
Beatrice Thompson is sixteen, worried about Darfur and climate change, and quickly getting in over her head with her summer job.[I’m not sure how effective this logline is. As others have mentioned, what’s Darfur?]
Beatrice loves insects. She loves watching their behavior,[kill ‘their behaviour’ and go ‘watching them’] capturing them, and pinning them. Spending time in their world helps her ignore her own.[<kill this line, you're repeating it (just in more detail) with the next two sentences] It helps her forget that she’s been left out both at school and in her own family. At school, her bug-craziness doesn’t fit in with everyone’s boy-craziness.[after everyone, insert 'else'] At home, her mom and sister are perfectly-matched BFFs.[maybe add "excluding her" or something that makes 'perfectly-matched BFFs' bad for Beatrice?]
It is summer, and Bea has a babysitting gig working for her idol scientist['idol scientist'? I'm not sure I get the meaning you're trying to convey… is Mrs. Anderson a scientist, whom Bea idols?] Mrs. Anderson. After a few days of work, Bea realizes that things are not rosy in the Anderson home.[cut 'Bea realizes… in the Anderson home' and go straight from 'After a few days of work, when Bea takes a closer look…' and then continue] As Bea takes a closer look, she realizes the Anderson family has serious problems. It could be a divorce, but it could be something far worse.[instead of the comma and 'but', try using an ellipsis '…' and kill the but]
If the issues with the summer job aren’t enough,[the expression is 'As if the issues…'] she’s also developing feelings for her close friend Willem. Whether with the Andersons or with Willem, Beatrice’s choice is the same: to decide to keep her distance from life or to dive in.[Kill 'whether'. Plus, 'life' is a strong word to use there…]
When five-year-old James Anderson gets pulled into the mystery, she no longer has a choice. She has to risk it all, if only to save him.[why?]
A young adult novel, THE INSECT COLLECTOR, is complete at 41,000 words.[short for a YA, isn't it? I thought YA usually starts around minimum 50K] I include the first chapter below, as instructed by your website.['instructed' sounds odd (just a side note); try 'as per your guidelines']
OVERALL: This seems like a quiet story, which is fine, but I don't think there are enough details about the conflict. I don't feel that there's much at stake here. As well, a bit more of Beatrice's voice would be good.
February 2, 2011 @ 12:13 am
Thanks for the crique, Yahong!
February 2, 2011 @ 12:32 pm
thanks for this Yahong! I appreciate it!
February 2, 2011 @ 2:50 pm
Also Yahong, you ask what is Darfur?- it’s in the Sudan, and it’s the site of a years long genocide practiced by the janjaweed or “devils on horseback”. Some people say it’s about ethnicity, some say religion, and some say it’s really about oil. International humanitarian groups estimate over 400,000 people have been killed in the conflict, millions have been displaced into refugee camps.
A great documentary about the issue is Darfur Now.